Staplegunned
by erynn8787
Summary: Mer's POV to the DerekRose dating and her decision on his plans. I suck at summaries, but this is my first fan fic.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a oneshot and also my first fan fic in a long long time. So please be nice! And if you want me to continue, review and I might continue it. I don't own Grey's or The Spill Canvas**

**It was in the lobby when I set my sights on you.**

**Should have kissed you in the elevator.**

**But I was too scared to.**

**It was in the morning when I made up my mind.**

**I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time**

Dating. A stupid fucking two syllable word, something teenagers do and yet the concept made me bolt. He made it sound so simple. Hello I mean seriously did I not tell him I've never done this before?

"_You've never done this before."_

_"No, I've never done this before." _

_"Hmm. Okay, all right. Well, this is- From now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?" _

See, I did say it! I know I ramble a lot and am mostly incoherent 90 percent of the time, but I have an awesome memory. So let's review: I told him I've never done the whole relationship thing and that he'll always show up. Alright yeah that happened for like, 2 seconds, then he goes back to the walking contradiction he is.

Fast forward to the day of Cristina's non-wedding when he goes and tells me that flirting with some random bar whore was the highlight of his week. Seriously? I was trying to communicate, well not really since I wanted sex, but I was trying to be open or whatever. Then as I was getting in my gown for the wedding, Izzie catches my eye and motions to the doorway to the locker room. He finally had me backed into a corner and I couldn't get away. After everyone had filed out, he came up to me, put on his best McDreamy smile(I swear his head is permanently on a tilt, maybe he should get that checked out), and tells me I'm the love of his life. Ughh again contradiction, did he not just tell me that he was flirting with another woman? At the bar? Where we met? And now I'm the love of his life, BUT he wants me to walk away?

So I put him out of his misery at the wedding, or non-wedding, whatever it's being called. But as I walked back down the aisle, I turned around to look at him even though I swore I wouldn't. I'll never forget those eyes. They were the strangest color blue I've ever seen them be. And trust me I know the man's eyes, I don't even know what this color would be called. Wait no, I do, probably "Meredith skins McDreamy's puppy blue." Burke leaving my person basically sealed the deal for me, there was no such thing as happily ever after. I was too dark and twisty to be saved.

But now we're in some weird limbo, again. I don't want the S&M anymore, I want the kids and the house and the lifetime. But now Derek's with that scrub nurse. Well not with her, but I've seen the glances she shoots him in the OR. God she seriously comes out of nowhere and calls him out in his OR. He's "cliquey" because he's involved with me. So what if Derek doesn't know her name? So what if she's scrubbed in 36 of his surgeries? God Meredith, since when are you this possessive?

"Decision made," I said to no one in particular. Apparently I do all my best thinking in the bath tub, well maybe except that other time. The water was now cold and the bubbles were gone; the thinking was done and the decision was made. I would tell Derek today that I was ready.

**Do I have to spell it out for you?**

**Or scream it in your face?**

**Oh the chemistry between us could destroy this place.**

**Do I have to spell it out for you?**

**Or whisper in your ear?**

**Oh just stop right there, I think that we've got something here.**

"Hey Derek wait up!"

He turned around to see Rose trying to catch up to him. He smiled and leaned up against the nurse's station.

"So, do you wanna get drinks at Joe's later?"

He nodded slightly, as if he was contemplating something more. "Sure I'd love to, meet me in the lobby at 8?"

"Okay, I'll uh..I guess I'll see you then. Bye Derek," she was blushing.

He chuckled lightly and continued on his way to his office.

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I couldn't find him anywhere. I checked all the on call rooms, linen closets, his office, and the board twice. I sighed in frustration then heard footsteps behind me.

"Seriously Mer, is Mr. Incredible that bad?"

I rolled my eyes and turned around.

"No Cristina."

She looked at me skeptically.

"Oh God what did he do now?"

"I uh, he didn't do anything, why?"

"You need to get laid, seriously, a few screaming orgasms would work wonders."

"Cristina!" I hissed, we were close to the nurse's station, and I really didn't want this broadcast on the nurse's hotline.

She simply shrugged and walked away, but turned around and added, "Just talk to him." And continued to the scrub room.

I stood there, a little bit in shock; Cristina's never that "friendly." Finally, after a few minutes wandering around aimlessly, I took out my phone and called him. I was surprised that after the third ring he picked up.

"Mer?"

"Hi Derek."

"Storage closet on the second floor, give me five minutes," and he hung up.

I pulled the phone slowly away from my ear and stared at it hopelessly. Sex and mockery, that was the deal. I call him and he meets me and there it was. This was my chance to tell him that I wanted more, that I was finally ready.

**We were all alone when I finally made a pass at you.**

**It didn't work and no it never does, but you know how I do.**

**We were on the phone when I made up my mind.**

**I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time.**

I made my way to the designated storage closet and walked in, carefully pressing the lock as I closed the door. No sooner had I walked through the threshold, Derek's lips were assaulting mine, effectively taking my breath away. I gave myself up to the kiss for a minute and pulled away slowly. I was met with a confused look marring his perfect features.

"What's the matter?"

I tucked an escaped bang back behind my ear and sighed. I could do this, I needed to grow a pair and take a step forward.

"We, uh, we need to talk Derek," I was paying more attention to my watch than him. Damnit me and my annoying habits, the rambling and the fidgeting, how does he put up with it? Oh right, he finds it adorable. I was snapped out of my reverie by his fingers slowly lifting my chin to meet his face.

"Mer, we do need to talk. I um, I have a date tonight. With Rose."

I felt my confidence just suck right out of me. He had a date with her, with the annoying stalkerish nurse.

"You. Have a date. With Rose. Tonight. Okay that's fine, you're allowed to date. S&M allows for the dating and the uh, yeah dating--"

He chuckles lightly and gives me the look: our "look."

"You said that we needed to talk? I got lost in that little ramble of yours."

I draw in a deep breath, "Idontwantyoutodateanyoneelse," Oh my God; way to go Meredith could you be anymore stupid?

His brows furrow and he nods, "Slow down, what?"

"I don't want you to date anyone but me," I said, letting the breath out slowly.

"Why? Why don't you want me dating? This is the arrangement Meredith. You aren't ready, so I'm dating."

I can feel his fingers entwine with my own and I know now what I need to say.

"I am ready," my voice is only a whisper and I doubt he heard me.

He starts grinning like a madman at me.

"What? I'm ready Derek, isn't that what you want?!"

He's still got that damn Cheshire cat grin plastered to his face. He grabs the sides of my face, reminiscent of the exam room sex we had at prom, and kisses me deeply. No, I need to tell him everything. I need to stop avoiding and having all these walls built up. I push him back again. Think fast Mer, this has got to be epic. Remember what he said?

_"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime." _

"I want it too, Derek. I love you. I know I don't say it often, but I do...love you that is. You say such perfect things and I'm not in the least bit eloquent. But I want to marry you too. When Burke left Cristina that scared me. She was the one person who understands me, well besides you, and she didn't get her happily ever after, so what made me deserve that happiness? I didn't want to see her unhappy, so I ran. I ran and I was stupid Derek. I asked for the S&M because I didn't want to lose you completely. You make me feel safe. You know, when we come back down to Earth after sex, and just lay there? The world stops when I'm in your arms Der. I couldn't give that up, so I just went with the S&M as much as I hated it. As much as I hated seeing you with Sydney and seeing you now with Rose, I sucked it up because in the end I would get you.

And even as scary as they sound, I want to have your babies. I could possibly enjoy pushing a bowling bowl out of my vagina. To see a baby with your perfect hair and the McDreamy face. Maybe not so much your nose, no offense," I smiled and took a breath before continuing. He chuckled lightly, his eyes urging me to keep going, maybe I wasn't fucking this up as badly as I thought I would.

"I want you to build me and the mini McDreamies a beautiful house. I want our bedroom to face the water so we can see the sun rise and set every day, and watch see the mist come off the lake. I want to wake up with you each morning entangled in the sheets.

I am not living to 110 Derek. You are not dying in my arms. We'll die together in each other's arms, maybe at 108 cause 110 is just too freaking old. I'm done Derek. You are it for me, seriously. I can try to date or run in the opposite direction, but I can't not feel what I feel for you. I want a lifetime with you and just you. No more secrets, no more avoiding, no more running away Der, I'm done," I let out a huge sigh. Did that seriously come out of my mouth? Without rambling? Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?

He's just standing there, not talking. Did I shock him to death? Oh crap. He just blinked, okay he's alive.

"Derek, please say something? I just...I just totally went out of body and channeled someone other than myself and are you alright? Do you need me to call a code?"

"I, uh, wow Mer. That was uh, wow."

Great, he totally sounds like me right now. I'm just hoping he doesn't turn and run out of the room.

"Was it epic? Because I think it was and it seriously trumped your speech."

He smiled and chuckled heartily.

"Yeah, yeah it definitely blew mine out of the water. Did you seriously say all that? No rambling?"

I nodded slowly, at least he's processing, this is good.

"You're in shock? Derek?"

"Huh? Oh, um, I guess I am. It's just I cannot believe it."

"You can't believe what?"

"You, communicating, ready. You're ready," the grin on his face made my heart flutter.

"I'm rea-."

The last syllable didn't get a chance to leave my mouth. He lifted me against the wall and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist. It was a time stopping kiss, it was only us in that moment. He was the only thing I saw, the only thing I felt. The storage room faded away. I was ready and we could finally settle down.

**Do I have to spell it out for you?**

**Or scream it in your face?**

**Oh the chemistry between us could destroy this place.**

**Do I have to spell it out for you?**

**Or whisper in your ear?**

**Oh just stop right there, I think that we've got something here.**


	2. So Close

**Now it's a Derek POV of the storage closet. Hopefully Derek's head is as easy to control as Meredith's. I was thinking of making each chapter relate to a different song, I dunno yet. What do you think? Alright well anyways I don't own Grey's or Jon McLaughlin. PS...if anyone out there has yet to see "Enchanted" do it now, Paddy sings this song**

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**You're in my arms**

**And all the world is gone**

**The music playing on**

**For only two**

**So close together**

**And when I'm with you**

**So close to feeling alive**

I had just finished up a craniotomy and was heading to my office, I needed a time out. The guy had flat lined twice and despite my best efforts we lost him. It never gets any easier losing a patient. Just last week I lost a 17 year old kid on my table. Bus accident and he had a pencil sticking into his eye, and then when I pulled out the pencil an artery burst, causing his brain to swell. Danny's never going to find out that life gets better after high school. Like I said, it never gets any easier.

As I near the nurse's station I hear someone calling out my name.

"Hey Derek wait up!"

I turn and see Rose jogging to catch up to me. Rose, I mean I could learn to like the woman, but she's not the woman. I could never love a woman named after a flower, especially when I associate all things flowery with Meredith. I lean up against the nurse's station and give her my full attention. Hmm, I do tend to lean a lot, don't I?

"So, do you wanna get drinks at Joe's later?"

I nod slowly. Dating was what I was doing, because Meredith wasn't ready for me yet. "Sure I'd love to, meet me in the lobby at 8?"

"Okay, I'll uh..I guess I'll see you then. Bye Derek," she was blushing.

I chuckle a little because the shyness and the blushing remind me of the morning after I met Meredith.

_"So, um, goodbye, um..."_

_"Derek."_

_"Derek, right Meredith."_

_"Meredith?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Nice meeting you."_

_"Bye, Derek."_

If only I had known then what I know now. I would have never attempted to repair my marriage with Addie and I would have told Mer sooner about my wife. Oh well, hindsight's 20/20, right? I continue the trek to my office and when I get there I see that Mark is sitting behind my desk.

"You do realize that it says Shepherd on the door and not Sloan, correct?"

"Meredith's looking for you, she came here twice," he says with a smirk.

I can't help but smirk right back. I guess she wants a date in the on call room again.

"Well she'll probably call me soo-" I feel my cell phone vibrate in my pocket and I look at the ID, Meredith.

Mark laughs heartily, "Gotta love the dirty mistress. She's always right on cue."

I shake my head at him and answer, "Mer?"

"Hi Derek."

"Storage closet on the second floor, give me five minutes," and I hang up without another word.

**A life goes by**

**Romantic dreams must die**

**So I bid mine goodbye**

**And never knew**

**So close was waiting**

**Waiting here with you**

**And now, forever, I know**

**All that I want is to hold you**

**So close**

As I exit my office all I can hear is Mark's laughter. I guess, in a way, it is funny. It's funny because it's such a cruel joke, but I keep going along with it because she's Meredith and I'm Derek. Of course, I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts as I board the elevator, that I don't notice the two other occupants. I feel eyes boring into me and I look up, Bailey and Cristina. God, what the hell did I do to deserve this? My prayer is short lived because I see Cristina reach out and pull the alarm. Shit I'm trapped in the elevator with the Nazi and Mer's person.

Cristina's the first to speak, "What the hell did you do to her McDreamy?" It isn't as much as a question as it is a demand.

"I didn't do anything. I'm dating."

Bailey rolls her eyes, "You so damn stupid Derek. When are you gonna realize that you're killing that poor girl?"

I put my weight on right foot and lean back, crossing my arms in the process.

"What do you mean? We agreed to the dating, she's not ready for anything else."

"When are you gonna realize that Grey is gonna need all the time she can? Derek you broke her, she drowned, lost two mothers, and her father and you expect her to be perfectly fine? She's trying, she's trying so damn hard."

Cristina nods and speaks up "Listen, you may not think that Mer's doing anything about her issues. That's fine. But Derek," she pulls the alarm again, "she's talking to me. We have psych books and she's opening up, so much."

Cristina is being somewhat civil today and as is Bailey, what the hell is going on in this hospital?! The elevator dings and the doors open to the second floor, my salvation. I walk out cautiously and give them a nod as the doors close. I seriously believe that that was somewhat planned.

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No one's in the assigned storage closet when I get there, thank God. I have only a few seconds of solace before the door opens and my senses are on overload as I smell the lavender. As soon as she shuts and locks the door I pounce her. She sighs and I take the advantage and drive my tongue into her mouth, tasting her. She relaxes in my arms, but then pulls back. Didn't she call me here for this? I know I can be brainless sometimes, but I had the assumption that this was a booty call.

"What's the matter?"

"We, uh, we need to talk Derek."

I watch her as she fidgets with her watch, God she's so sexy when she's nervous. But she said we needed to talk, so I reach out slowly and gently bring her chin up to look at me. I had to talk too.

"Mer, we do need to talk. I um, I have a date tonight. With Rose," I say slowly.

"You. Have a date. With Rose. Tonight. Okay that's fine, you're allowed to date. S&M allows for the dating and the uh, yeah dating--"

I chuckle lightly, I love her rambling.

"You said that we needed to talk? I got lost in that little ramble of yours."

"Idontwantyoutodateanyoneelse."

I had no idea what that sentence was supposed to formulate, "Slow down, what?"

"I don't want you to date anyone but me."

"Why? Why don't you want me dating? This is the arrangement Meredith. You aren't ready, so I'm dating."

I lace my fingers with hers, trying to make her understand.

"I am ready."

It was barely a whisper, but those three words are the one's I've been waiting so patiently for her to say. So they were crystal clear. A grin stretches across my face as I look at her.

"What? I'm ready Derek, isn't that what you want?!"

I reach out and grab both sides of her face and kiss her deeply, never wanting this moment to end. But she pulls back again and continues.

"I want it too, Derek. I love you. I know I don't say it often, but I do...love you that is. You say such perfect things and I'm not in the least bit eloquent. But I want to marry you too. When Burke left Cristina that scared me. She was the one person who understands me, well besides you, and she didn't get her happily ever after, so what made me deserve that happiness? I didn't want to see her unhappy, so I ran. I ran and I was stupid Derek. I asked for the S&M because I didn't want to lose you completely. You make me feel safe. You know, when we come back down to Earth after sex, and just lay there? The world stops when I'm in your arms Der. I couldn't give that up, so I just went with the S&M as much as I hated it. As much as I hated seeing you with Sydney and seeing you now with Rose, I sucked it up because in the end I would get you.

And even as scary as they sound, I want to have your babies. I could possibly enjoy pushing a bowling bowl out of my vagina. To see a baby with your perfect hair and the McDreamy face. Maybe not so much your nose, no offense," I smiled and took a breath before continuing. He chuckled lightly, his eyes urging me to keep going, maybe I wasn't fucking this up as badly as I thought I would.

I want you to build me and the mini McDreamies a beautiful house. I want our bedroom to face the water so we can see the sun rise and set every day, and see the mist come off the lake. I want to wake up with you each morning entangled in the sheets.

I am not living to 110 Derek. You are not dying in my arms. We'll die together in each other's arms, maybe at 108 cause 110 is just too freaking old. I'm done Derek. You are it for me, seriously. I can try to date or run in the opposite direction, but I can't not feel what I feel for you. I want a lifetime with you and just you. No more secrets, no more avoiding, no more running away Der, I'm done."

Oh my God. Oh my God. Was that Meredith even talking? Holy shit, she just...oh my God. I'm obviously speechless.

"Derek, please say something? I just...I just totally went out of body and channeled someone other than myself and are you alright? Do you need me to call a code?"

"I, uh, wow Mer. That was uh, wow."

Way to go Derek, you've picked up her rambling.

"Was it epic? Because I think it was and it seriously trumped your speech."

I smile and laugh, she speaks the truth.

"Yeah, yeah it definitely blew mine out of the water. Did you seriously say all that? No rambling?"

She nods, but it's like slow motion.

"You're in shock? Derek?"

"Huh? Oh, um, I guess I am. It's just I cannot believe it."

"You can't believe what?"

"You, communicating, ready. You're ready," by now I have a huge grin on my face.

"I'm rea-."

I don't even let her finish. I ravage her mouth, speaking volumes through the kiss.

**So close to reaching**

**That famous happy end**

**Almost believing**

**This one's not pretend**

**Now you're beside me**

**And look how far we've come**

**So far**

**We are**

**So close...**

As we're getting back into our scrubs after the real reason we were there, I can't help but have a permanent grin on my face. She just said so many perfect things to me, my heart feels as if it might explode.

"So what does this mean?"

Oh God I knew it was too good to be true, my face drops.

She shakes her head, "No Derek I'm not running. Just...what do we do now?"

"Oh thank God. We can do whatever you want Meredith, what do you want?"

She rolls her eyes as she puts her hands on her hips, she looks so fucking sexy like that.

"Derek! I just told you what I want, did I not?"

"Well I don't know where to start. I mean, God I need to get a ring and house plans, kids...oh shit..."

She giggles. I could listen to her giggle forever.

"Wow I really put a number on you, huh? I mean you sound like me right now. Der, we can have all of that, but we don't need to rush. A lifetime...remember? So calm down okay? You can plan a proper proposal with a ring, we can call up some architects, and in the mean time, we can practice the baby making," she says wiggling her eye brows.

I chuckle lightly and pull her towards me.

"God I love you. So a proper proposal, hmm? I guess I should start practicing my charming techniques in the mirror then. We can call someone tomorrow about the house. And later tonight, we'll practice making babies," I kiss her forehead and wrap my arms tightly around her.

I couldn't believe that this was really happening. My Meredith was finally ready to become my wife. To give me all of the things I've asked her to do. I was more than willing to plan the perfect way to propose, but to truly make it perfect, I would talk to her person. Well...maybe.

**Oh, how could I face the faceless days**

**If I should lose you now?**

**We're so close to reaching**

**That famous happy end**

**Almost believing**

**This one's not pretend**

**Let's go on dreaming**

**Though we know we are**

**So close**

**So close, and still**

**So far...**


	3. Without You

**Alright here's another one. So this is Mer's POV and it's something that's been done to death, but this is how I would want it to happen. Enjoy and review! Song is Christina Aguilera's Without You**.

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**Have I been blind?**

**For the first time in my life I feel I've opened up my eyes**

**Since you've arrived like an angel from the sky**

**I'm on a spiritual high**

Everything for once in my life seemed to be going perfectly. Dark and twisty Meredith was finally replaced by bright and shiny Meredith. Not that I was complaining, I really enjoy being happy, something so rare in my life. The dark and twistiness was really getting out of hand as of late, too much for me even. I'm a strong woman, but there was way too much shit piling up and I couldn't handle it anymore. It wasn't why I stopped swimming, but I really thought life for everyone else, especially Derek, would so much simpler without me.

_"I was swimming. I was fighting. And then I thought, just for a second, I thought 'What's the point?' And then I let go. I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody."_

That brings me to Derek. We were together and it was perfect. He was being there for me, all knight in shining whatever-esque. We had made plans for the house and it was currently under construction, again perfect. You would think since everything's going so well in my life, that there's bound to be something lurking in the shadows, just waiting to pop up and fuck everything up. But bright and shiny me isn't thinking about that. I'm more focused on being open with Derek and being happy.

My friends were back to groaning about how happy I was all the time. Cristina, of course, being the worst. I know she's happy for me, even if she doesn't always show it. Whatever I can gloat a little right? I mean I've almost died how many times? Wait, no I was dead. They're lucky I didn't come back with something worse than the whole "people are what matter" business! I could've become the new Sydney, I mean seriously, the woman is all sunshine and rainbows; no one is ever that happy. I know that sooner or later I'm going to have to tell Derek about the ferry boat accident. I knew I had to do it soon to get it out in the open. I haven't told anybody about it, not even Cristina. Like she'd even believe me anyhow. The drowning was this huge hurdle that I had to get over before I could truly commit to Derek. I was going to tell him, let him in, that's what I said right? No more secrets.

**So don't you ever go away**

**I could never face**

**Losing you would kill my faith**

**In a higher place**

**What kind of world**

**Would it be without you**

**I couldn't breathe without you here**

**What kind of world**

**Would I see without you**

**I can't dream without you here**

I hated being on call. The beds suck and the second you get comfortable enough to fall asleep, your pager goes off. I jumped out of the bed, put my shoes on, and went down to the pit. I was so accustomed to most of my pages coming from there, but when I actually looked at who was paging me, I froze in the hallway. Derek was paging me to his office. I looked at my watch, 2:19 in the morning. Why the hell was he still here? I shrugged and headed towards the elevators to take them to the third floor.

I got to his office door and hesitated briefly before opening it. I guess I could tell him now? I mean we'd be alone in his office, not at my house where we can be overheard by Alex and Izzie. I saw him sitting behind his desk, typing away on his laptop. He looked up and smiled at me before shutting it.

"Hey how come you're here so late?"

"Emergency surgery on one of my post op patients. Subdural bleed," he said with a yawn.

"You should go home, it's late and you're obviously exhausted." Maybe I wouldn't tell him now, he looked drained.

He looked at me skeptically; he could read me like a book.

"Mer, what's wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"Seriously? Meredith I've learned that your version of fine is anything but fine. Now come here and sit on the couch with me."

I moved slowly towards the couch and sat. He next to me with his arm around my shoulder, instinctively, I snaked mine around his waist.

"Come on, please tell me?"

"Derek this is the big one. This is the talk that is the mother of all talks. I can't just go and blurt everything out at once, I'm going to take my time. I know this is going to bring back horrible memories for you and I'm sorry. I am truly sorry."

I felt him sigh as I laid my head against his chest.

"That day when I drowned, so many things happened. Now I don't know if it was the neurotransmitters or if it was actually real, but there were people waiting for me. I woke up in a hospital bed with Denny and Dylan, you remember the bomb guy? Well they were on either side of the gurney. They told me I was dead and that I didn't have a lot of time. But me being me, I wanted Doc there. Then he jumps up on the gurney out of nowhere.

Bonnie from the train accident and Liz Fallon my mother's old scrub nurse were there too. They kept telling me that I didn't have time and they needed to know what happened in the Bay. I think they were convinced it was a suicide, which you assumed too. I don't blame you Derek, you pulled me out of the tub, you had the right to think that. I just," I said sucking in a huge breath before continuing. I could feel the sob building up and I let it go, tears streaming down my face.

"I ju-, I just thought that...that if I was g-gone, you'd be happier. I-I complicate everyone's lives Der-ek. I stopped swimming because I...because I thought 'what's the point?' I stopped fight-"

I couldn't even go on anymore, I couldn't breathe.

"I can...I can't breathe."

I felt his hands move to my back, rubbing circles up and down.

"Mer take a deep breath," his voice was cracked and I was afraid to look him in the eyes.

All I could think of in that moment was going under, giving up. The descent into unconsciousness was slow and painful. The water was so cold, it felt like millions of tiny daggers stabbing me all over my body. My lungs were on fire and my mind was foggy, then I was completely numb.

I felt a chill go down my spine and I shivered. Derek slowly turned to face me. It took me a minute before I could look at him, but when I did, I regretted it. His eyes were red and inquiring, wanting me to continue.

_Okay_, I thought,_ I can do this. I told him I was ready, how different could this be? _Oh right, I died, that's the difference.

**Beautiful boy**

**How on earth did I do something worth deserving you?**

**My better half**

**How I cherish through and through every part of you**

**I do**

"Derek this is so hard for me," I said wiping my eyes and taking a calming breath.

"Yeah. Yeah it's hard for me too," he pressed his lips to my temple and pulled me close to him again. I took it as my cue to keep talking. I was determined now to continue without crying again.

"They all kept trying to get me to tell them the real reason why I went under. But Bonnie kept bleeding out and I was more concerned for her then I was for myself. They kept saying that my time was running out, but I had to help Bonnie. But Denny finally cornered me in OR 1 and told me that she couldn't be saved.

Then he starts talking to me about everyone I'd leave behind. How everyone was barely breathing and that this would break them. I wanted to stay there because it was easier. It was easier than having to be called ordinary by my mother, easier than the roller coaster relationship we were in; it was easier being numb.

Denny then told me how if I were to stay there, how much I would break you. I would change you completely. It is a miracle that you are the way you are, Derek. You're still an optimist! How crazy is that? You never look at things the way I look at them, you're always reassuring me. You make me sure that this relationship will work out. But that's beside the point. You still believe in true love and magic and soul mates . I didn't want to take that away from you. I love you and even if I died, I still wouldn't want you to change.

Then Denny and I were sitting in a hallway and we were talking. I told him exactly why I gave up, because it was pointless to fight, and he just pauses. He told me he could feel Izzie, but it was only for a second. He told me that's all I would get with the people I loved, just moments. I couldn't do it Derek. I couldn't just get whiffs of you for the rest of your life. I needed more. So I decided that I wanted to live.

When I finally found them all and told them, they said that I didn't have much time. I freaked out, suddenly all my issues were the stupidest fucking things ever, then I started hyperventilating. As I was trying to control my breathing, I look up and see my mother.

Denny brings me to this one hallway and my mother is standing there. I walk towards her and we talk. Then she pulls me into a hug and tells me that I'm anything but ordinary. I stood there, hugging her, not wanting to pull away. I waited my entire life for my mom to say that to me, and it took her until that moment to say it. Then she pulls away and tells me to run. So I ran. I remember waking up and Cristina was there, telling me she and Burke got engaged. So that's what happened," I said sighing deeply.

He was silent for a minute before turning to look me in the eyes.

"Did you go into the water on purpose?"

"No. A guy came crawling up out of the water and was bleeding from his leg. He had about a 6 inch laceration and his anterior tibial vein was shredded. I stitched up the vein as best I could to get the bleeding to stop; once I did, the guy was shivering. So I put my coat on him and he thrashed as soon as it touched him. He hit me and I fell backwards into the Bay. I didn't go into the water on purpose Derek. It was selfish of me to give up, though. I was unfair to you," the tears were streaming down my face again.

**Loving you's made me whole**

**Now I belong**

**I found my heart**

**Promise me we'll always stay**

**The way we are today**

"It was extremely selfish Meredith. You have no idea what I was going through," his voice sounded bitter, but tinged with sadness. He kept going.

"I know we've had this talk before, but it never gets any easier. I'm happy that you finally told me, that you finally let me in."

I interrupted.

"You're the only person who knows the true story. When that skydiver came in, I could relate so much to what he was going through. I got a second chance to tell you how I truly felt about you, about us. But I kept fucking up and avoiding, then the feeling of being invincible went away. I turned back into the old Meredith, the queen of avoidance. I've wanted to tell you this forever Derek, but I never thought you'd believe me. Especially after I said that I did give up. I took an easy way out. I don't want to take the easy road anymore Der, I want to be happy. I want to be bright and shiny. I want to be different; I want to be so many things for you. I'm so sorry that I hurt you," I hugged him tightly.

He held me just as tightly. He brushed away my tears with the pads of his thumb, then cupped my face.

"We hurt each other. We apologize. I don't want to hurt you anymore Meredith. I've spent too much time hurting you and I'm done. I guess the whole drowning thing can be called getting even. It did hurt me, it hurt like hell; you were dead. You were blue and dead Mer," tears fell down his cheeks.

"I was so scared that I was going to lose you forever. I sat outside the trama room door and waited for news. I was soaked and shivering, but I wouldn't leave you. I left you before when you needed me, but there was no way in hell was I leaving you when you needed me the most. I was such an ass though. I say that I don't want to breathe for you one day, then the next I go and tell you that you're the love of my life. I should have never pressured you into something you weren't ready for. I should have given you space. I shouldn't have paraded the whole Lexie thing in your face. I should have fought harder for you. I didn't fight but you did. You fought to come back, for me. I should have tried to understand, but I was so blinded by the fact that you didn't swim when you knew how to. I'm the one who should be sorry Mer, not you. I hurt you time and time again. I broke you so badly and I am so sorry."

I sniffled and laughed, "We really make quite the pair Derek."

He nodded slowly, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. He kissed me softly before embracing me. I knew we would be okay. This huge weight had finally been lifted off my chest and I was able to breathe again.

**What kind of world**

**Would it be without you**

**I couldn't breathe without you here**

**What kind of world**

**Would I see without you**

**I can't dream without you here**

"I love you," I said lightly into his neck.

"I love you too, so much. I don't want to lose you again. I'm done."

"Me too Derek. I think we can pull the bright and shiny thing off now. Is there anything else that we need to address?" I was unsure, he had been dating and I was scared to know about those women.

We sat in silence for a little before either one of us spoke.

"Rose kissed me. Before you said you didn't want me dating other people. We were scrubbing out one day and I went to get a towel, she moved too and went all the way. I swear it was like kissing my sister," he said with a light chuckle.

I couldn't be mad; he was dating, and entitled to it. I knew she was a slut, I knew it! I just giggled along with him.

"You're not mad?"

"Seriously Derek? Why would I be mad? The woman's a stalker; anyone with eyes could see that. I bet she's just like Helga from 'Hey Arnold' she probably has a bubble gum shrine to you and clippings of your hair," I grinned.

He feigned shock, "My hair?! I thought the northeast region was a bit sparse as of late, come to think of it."

I hit him playfully and mussed his hair a bit.

"I think it's perfectly fine. So that's it? We've actually had a grown up conversation...again?"

"I suppose we did. I like this being open business."

"Me too...me too." I settled back against his chest and closed my eyes.

"Mer...Meredith," I felt him push me lightly off of him. I saw him get up and fumble around for something.

"What are you looking for Derek?" I was getting extremely nervous now. I looked at my watch, it was almost 4. I had pre-rounds at 4:30. He went over to his leather jacket and pulled something out of the inside pocket.

My heart stopped. Literally stopped beating. Asystole. Flat line. I took a breath and looked up at him. He was grinning at me.

"Meredith, this is something I've been waiting to do for...ever it seems. And I had the whole huge proposal, one knee kind of thing all planned out. But it would have felt rushed, and right now, right now feels perfect. So Meredith, will you marry me? I know we have so much to work on, but our flaws always bring out the best in each other. I love you and will you? Marry me?"

**I can't ever imagine**

**If this never would happened**

**I thank God everyday**

**Almost lost you forever**

**But I always remember (remember)**

**That you're my saving grace**

-----------------------------------

**I'm serious about wanting reviews. No reviews no new chapters. It's paining me to write MerDer when Shonda is so intent on unravelling them. So REVIEW and I will get better chapters up sooner.**


	4. Sometimes

**You tell me you're in love with me**

**Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me**

**It's not that I don't wanna stay**

**But everytime you come too close I move away**

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's like a crazed mantra in my head. Well that along with what he just asked me.

_"Meredith, this is something I've been waiting to do for...ever it seems. And I had the whole huge proposal, one knee kind of thing all planned out. But it would have felt rushed, and right now, right now feels perfect. So Meredith, will you marry me? I know we have so much to work on, but our flaws always bring out the best in each other. I love you and will you? Marry me?"_

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Code blue, right here. Charge to 200. Clear! Beeeep beep beep. Nice job, we have a heartbeat.

Breathe Meredith...breathe. I suck in a breath and then another. Soon I'm able to process what just happened and holy shit, he just proposed. I don't know what to do or say. I would speak, but my throat's constricted and dry. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. As I take my eyes off the little black box to his face, he gets down on one knee. My heart is pounding for release against my chest and suddenly the room seems smaller.

"Meredith Blair Grey, would you do me the pleasure of making me the happiest man in the world?" He says as he holds the ring box higher.

Ick, my middle name. I hate that my mother picked out Blair, that name was so gross. But Ellis wanted me to have a 'strong' name. No daughter of her's was going to be a Jennifer or some other popular name, Meredith I could deal with. Meredith was very suiting to me, but Blair? No thank you.

"Mer-"

Oh right...Derek. Needing an answer. My mind is completely blank as I look at him. I feel something vibrate against my hip.

"Shit, I have pre-rounds," I said looking at the pager and bolting out of his office. Whew, that was a close one. Wait a minute Meredith; what the hell are you doing?! Get back in there and say yes! Three simple letters, much easier than those three words you never say.

I pick up my pace to a run as I pass the nurse's station. Bailey's standing there along with Alex, Izzie, and Cristina grabbing charts.

"Grey slow down. I know you're late, but don't run unless it's an emergency."

I don't say anything as I run past them. I catch the look on Cristina's face as I fly by, it's her 'McDreamy's getting castrated' look. Great, now Derek's going to hear her rant and rave, when it's me who has the issues.

"Grey!" I hear Bailey yell as I round the corner, running right into the Chief.

"Woah slow down Grey."

"Sorry Chief," I say breathlessly.

That earns me a concerned look.

"Meredith is something wrong?"

"I'm fine."

He cocks his head to the side, "Meredith?"

"Can I get a few hours off? I'm exhausted and I'd really love some time to get some decent sleep."

He nods curtly, "But be back by noon."

"Thanks Chief," I say as I head off in the direction of the locker room, purposely going past the OR board. Derek has a surgery scheduled at 11, so he'll be occupied when I get back, good.

Once I'm changed into my street clothes I take the stairs to the lobby, then out of the hospital; I wasn't risking seeing him in the elevators. I fumble with my keys as I unlock the door to my Jeep. I climb in the driver's seat and breathe a collective sigh of relief.

I needed somewhere to think. Somewhere to clear my head. As I put the car into drive, I could've sworn I saw Derek watching me leave from the bridge.

**I wanna believe in everything that you say**

**Ah 'Cause it sounds so good**

**But if you really want me, move slow**

**There's things about me you just have to know**

**Sometimes I run**

**Sometimes I hide**

**Sometimes I'm scared of you**

**But all I really want is to hold you tight**

**Treat you right, be with you day and night**

**Baby all I need is time**

I saw her tense up. Her whole body just went rigid, she was panicking. Well so much for the whole trying to be different and better thing. I knew that it was way too soon, but the moment was perfect and I jumped. I took the chance and she gave me her answer, she ran. Not that I'm not used to that gesture already, but it's extra painful knowing that she ran from the actual proposal.

Well, she didn't run, her pager went off. Saved by the bell. I don't understand why she bolted though, it was just Bailey paging her to get ready for pre-rounds. Great...she means no.

I slowly gather myself off my knee and collapse into my desk chair. I rub my temples after setting the box on the desk. This is probably the worst thing she could have possibly done, revert to her old self. Especially in that moment. I hear a light knock at my door, great knowing my life this is probably Cristina coming to kill me.

"Come in," I yell from my desk. I look up to see Richard standing in the threshold. He looks concerned.

"What the hell did you do to her? She left the hospital Derek. Well she asked me for a few hours off, but she still left the damn hospital."

"I proposed," I gestured to the ring box in front of me.

"You..uh proposed? She had the deer in headlights look, I thought you did something much worse."

"No. But apparently it was much worse than anything that could have came out of my fucking mouth," I say bitterly, leaning back in my chair. The little black box was sitting there on my desk, mocking me.

"She'll be back by noon. I'm sure you'll have an answer by then Shep," he turned to leave.

"But Shep...if I know Meredith, she'll come back with an answer. And I really don't think that it'll be the one you're expecting," he says as he walks out.

"Right," I say quietly to myself.

I get up from the desk and leave my office, I needed to see which surgeries I was scheduled for today. As I near the OR board I swear I smell lavender. She probably was here, checking to see where I would be when she came back at noon. I scan down and see that I'll be in OR 2 at 11. Great, I won't even be able to talk to her.

I needed to think. I needed to figure out what this all meant. I go to the bridge because I can see the skyline and the sun rising. A figure catches my eye. I can tell by the gait and where it's headed that it's Meredith. I keep my eyes trained on her as she fumbles with her keys and gets in the car. We lock eyes for a split second before she pulls away. I feel my heart break a little as I watch her Jeep exit the hospital parking lot.

I wonder where she's going and if I should follow. Probably home to sleep or wallow in self pity. No I shouldn't follow, she needs space right now. She'll be back in 7 hours with an answer for me. I hope.

**I don't wanna be so shy, uh-uh**

**Everytime that I'm alone I wonder why**

**Hope that you will wait for me**

**You'll see that, you're the only one for me**

I pulled onto the ferry and got out of the car. It was the first time riding the ferry alone since the accident. Derek always accompanied me on the rides to and from the trailer, even if he didn't need to be at the hospital later, he always came. Ferryboats were one of the few places that I can think at. I always go to the top deck and lean up against the railing. I loved when the wind would whip my hair around and I could hear the waves crashing against the hull, it was so soothing. Derek proposed. I ran. Again. It was a vicious circle that was always happening, no matter what either one of us said to the contrary.

_"You know what's ruined for me? Ferryboats! I used to love ferryboats. And Derek's got a thing for ferryboats. Now every time I see a freaking ferryboat..."_

I giggle at that memory. Then immediately I stop, that was right after Addison came flying in. But there was no denying that the man had a thing for ferryboats. Just last week we took the ferry back to the trailer and I glanced over at him. The sun was just setting, reflecting off the water and into his eyes. His perfect hair was flying in every which direction and I smiled. If only the nurses could have see Dr. McDreamy there. I think I decided that moment I saw the sun in his eyes that I was ready. I decided right then and there I would tell him I was ready, but I couldn't voice it to him.

I was ready to marry him. I expected the cheesy attempt at a dinner and speech, but he totally caught me off guard when he asked me in his office. I needed to tell him yes. I had to because if I didn't, I'd break him again.

I heard my phone beep from my purse. I wrestled it out and saw that I had a text from Cristina. Great, I wonder if she's telling me that she's chopped his balls off.

**Where the HELL are you! Nazi's on the war path, thanks a lot. What'd he do now?**

I quickly texted her back; saying that I would be back at noon and I'd explain then. I knew it wouldn't quell her questions, but whatever. I wasn't telling her yet that Derek askeed me to marry him. Maybe I'd tell Izzie first. Or Alex, maybe George. Or Derek would tell Mark and then I wouldn't have to tell anyone. My phone beeped again. I flipped it open, another frantic Cristina text.

**I'm your person. You fucking expect me to believe you?**

I just turn my phone off and throw it back into my purse. Texting is not conducive to thinking. Nope, definitely not. I had to say yes right? I said I wanted to marry him and now he was asking, so I needed to agree to it. I agreed on the house plans. I actually picked those out with ease, but this...this was a hell of a lot harder than a house.

The ferry docked and I got in the car, driving to the trailer. Derek had been living with me since the construction was underway with the house, but he still had the trailer there just in case. After the half hour scenic route I pulled up in front of the trailer. Since it was so early in the morning, the contractors weren't here yet. This was good since I needed some sleep.

I dropped my bag on the kitchen table and made my way to the bedroom, kicking off my Converses in the process. I laid on my side of the bed and pulled his pillow towards me, hugging it tightly to my body. I breathed in deeply, taking in his scent. Within minutes I was in a deep sleep.

**I wanna believe in everything that you say**

**Ah 'Cause it sounds so good**

**But if you really want me, move slow**

**There's things about me, you just have to know**

**Sometimes I run**

**Sometimes I hide**

**Sometimes I'm scared of you**

**But all I really want is to hold you tight**

**Treat you right, be with you day and night**

**All I really want is to hold you tight**

**Treat you right, be with you day and night**

**Baby all I need is time**

I hear my pager going off and am jolted awake. I roll over and onto the floor, great just what I need, more bruises. I rub my eyes into focus before looking at the page. It's from Bailey. I look at my watch, shit, it's 1 and I overslept. I grab my stuff and hurry out to my car. I cannot believe I didn't set an alarm or something before I passed out. Now I was going to be read the riot act when I finally got there. It'd be a good 45 minutes to get there. God why didn't I just go home? I take the shorter, less scenic, route back to the dock and thankfully, there's a ferry waiting to disembark.

I sit in my car because I needed to get off the ferry ASAP. I page Bailey to call my cell phone and hopefully she does. I really don't feel like explaining this in front of an audience. Soon I hear my cell ringing, and the ring itself even sounds pissed off.

"Grey you better have a damn good reason as to why you're late this time."

"I'm sorry Dr. Bailey, I overslept. I went to Derek's trailer to sleep and think."

"Think?" Her tone is low and warning.

"Yeah...uhh, Derek proposed."

"Really now? Is that why you were running around this morning like your ass was on fire?"

"Uhh yes ma'am. I'm on the ferry right now, I should be there in about 10 to 15 minutes."

"You late again Grey, I won't be so nice," and the line went dead. I stared at the phone for a minute before placing it back in my purse.

The ferry docks and I drive as fast as possible back to Grace. I'm there within minutes and I rush to the locker room to change. Once I'm in my scrubs I go to look at the OR board. Derek's still in surgery and Bailey just scrubbed in, whew. So I'm free for about another hour or so before Bailey puts me on SCUT or makes me go do sutures in the pit.

I wander slowly towards Derek's office. His surgery would be done soon and I would wait for him. As I try the door knob, I realize that it's locked. Oh right, my ring's in there, that's why he locked the door. I pull my spare key out of my lab coat pocket and turn it in the lock. Success. I open the door and look at his desk. There it is, just sitting contently on top of it. I'm fixated on it for a minute, then I decide what I'm going to do. I walk over to the desk and put the box in my pocket before leaving the office.

**Just hang around and you'll see**

**There's no where I'd rather be**

**If you love me, trust in me**

**The way that I trust in you**

He's in OR 2. OR 2 doesn't have a gallery so I have to change my plans a bit. His surgery should just be finishing up now, so the scrub room is my best bet to catch him alone. Well he won't be alone and that makes me chuckle evilly on the inside. I stride towards the scrub room and look around before stepping inside.

I see Derek closing up his patient's spine. I watch his hands work and I'm mesmorized. He did have really nimble surgeon's fingers. I tear my gaze from him and look around the OR. My eyes fall upon the mint green scrubs of Rose. Oh this was going to be good. So deliciously evil. I smile to myself and lean against the wall, waiting patiently.

It takes him another 20 minutes before I see him back away from the table. I hear the whoosh of the doors separating the scrub room and OR, Derek steps through first, followed by Rose. I relish in the look on her face when she sees me standing there.

"Dr. Shepherd I uhh need to discuss something with you," I say as professionally as possible.

Once he's scrubbed out he turns and faces me. He's totally forgotten about Rose next to him. I smile at him.

"Yes."

He blinks once...twice. Then a wide grin spreads across his face before he strides over towards me, engulfing me in a heartstopping kiss. His hands tangle in my hair and he pulls away.

"Yes?"

I nod and reach in my pocket. I hand him the box and he grins. I bite my lower lip as he knees again in front of me.

"Derek, seriously get up. You did that already. Just put the damn ring on my finger," I say with a giggle. Rose is still standing there, shellshocked. I laugh before turning my attention to my left hand. The ring slides down my slender finger and it fits perfectly. He kisses me again lightly.

"I love you."

"I love you too Derek. I'm sorry I freaked out eariler. I was really expecting the whole corny speech thing. Not spur of the moment in your office during sex."

That makes Rose mutter an apology before she bolts out of the room. I cackle before Derek turns to me.

"You did that purposely!"

"Well, the sex part. I had big plans to put the ring on myself, stand in the gallery, get your attention, and show you my hand. But then I thought that that would be a bad idea with an open spinal cord in front of you. And this OR doesn't even have a gallery."

"So we're getting married?"

"We're getting married!"

Holy shit...I'm getting married.

**All I really want is to hold you tight **

**Be with you day and night**

**-----------------------------------**

**So that's the last chapter until my finals are done. Review.**


	5. Make This Go On Forever

**All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight**

**Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right**

**The splintered mast I'm holding won't save me long**

**Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong**

I'm sitting in the den by myself, contemplating the book in front of me. Derek's asleep in bed and the lights are low and wavering. I didn't tell anyone yet that Derek and I were engaged, but then again I didn't see them at all during my shift. So the book I'm staring at is basically a diary. When Cristina and I were looking through the Psych books, it suggested that if I didn't want to talk about something, to write it down. So I did just that. I don't talk about anything, so this alternative was much better, even if it pissed Cristina off. I remember opening up a little bit to her, but then I closed right up again.

_"Ok, what are your other symptoms?"_

_"Ok...there's the father thing. The mother thing. The sister thing...mm...the dying and coming back to life thing."_

_"You have too many things."_

_"I can't sleep. I can't sleep without the dreaming."_

_"And the panic attacks."_

_"One, one panic attack. What's wrong with me?"_

_"As far as a I can tell...severe abandonment issues."_

_"That's crap. Psych is crap. Issues."_

_"It's in the book. The book said it not me. Have you consider maybe you and Derek should stop having break-up sex? Ok…"_

_"The more available he gets...the more I pull away."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Nothing. It's a Derek thing."_

It was always a Derek thing. I loved him so much that he clouded my judgment. The panic attacks, it wasn't just one, I had them every night. I couldn't sleep without Derek. Without him I didn't feel safe, I had nightmares of drowning and of Derek dying. I couldn't tell her the truth. But when I did open up to Cristina she totally ignored me. Like Hahn's surgery was more important than me talking, seriously! I don't talk! This was a huge moment or whatever.

_"I drowned. I was sinking. I died. And you know what I realized? I realized how stupid all of my issues are."_

_"I'm waiting for how this applied to me."_

_"It doesn't."_

_"Of course not."_

_"Well that man fell, and all he wanted was one last chance to tell sally how he felt about her. And I GOT one last chance. I got my chance. And what have I done with it?"_

_"You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming you crap are two very different things."_

_"I know."_

She was being helpful, but it felt as if I was an afterthought. I needed her to tell me what I did with my chance. I needed affirmation that I royally fucked up, but she didn't tell me. She was my person and she was supposed to help me out. I was there for her when Burke left her at the altar. I ended things with Derek because she was more important, she was my sister. But when I needed her the most, she was chose cardio. Whatever. I needed to be happy now.

I run my finger down the spine of the journal slowly before opening it. I guess this would be some sort of reflection on my issues and feelings about them. I take a deep breath before I look at the first entry. It's about my mother.

**It was becoming clear to me that I shouldn't bother to get too attached to anything. Turn your back and you lose it. Just like that.**

Ellis Grey did not form attachments. I was the prime example of that logic. She never showed me any type of affection or acknowledged me in any way. The only times she acknowledged me was when we were arguing. She tried to talk me out of going to med school. She told me time and time again that nothing I did would make her proud of me. I was the perfect student, not that I tried, it just came naturally. Having Ellis Grey's genes automatically made me a genius.

I remember when I was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6, she took me to the park. And I was surprised when she came up to me with Dr. Webber and said we were going. Once we got to the park, she told me to go get on the carousel. I wanted her to come on with me, but she just backed away and went over to Dr. Webber. As I was going around and around, their voices got louder and louder. And then on one circle, Webber was gone and my mother was in hysterics. She came over after she gathered herself together and dragged me to the car. When I asked her what was wrong she snapped at me. Richard leaving my mother totally changed who she was. Before he left her, we were somewhat happy. I had a mommy and a daddy, but when he left our happy little family fell apart. My mother kicked my father out and life became hell for me.

My mother was always at the hospital, it was as if I didn't exist. I was always in the care of a housekeeper or nanny. She would actually fire nannies if they were too nice to me. I was brought up to never cry, show emotion, and to respect my mother and the housekeepers. I was such a miserable child and my mother didn't honor holidays or birthdays.

When we finally moved to Boston when I was 10, she figured that I was old enough to care for myself. She would leave frozen meals for me and instructions on how to heat them up. Which is why to this day I can't cook. Heating things up, on the other hand, I'm an expert at. I was left alone for long periods of time and when my mother did come home, she barricaded herself in her office and scolded me if I interrupted. I learned to keep to myself almost immediately.

As I got into my teen years, I rebelled. All the meals she left for me I threw in the trash. I dyed my hair pink to see if she would notice, she didn't. My mother didn't know that I was anorexic or that I cut myself. Actually no one knows that, but I was and I did. I'm just tiny now because of my freakishly fast metabolism. But back then I was even smaller. I wore all black and long sleeves all the time to cover my scars.

Once I made the decision to go to med school, she tried like hell to talk me out of it. I went to Europe to get away from her and to clear my head. But halfway through the trip I got a phone call from her, she had Alzheimer's. When I came back she didn't recognize me and any chance of reconciliation between us was gone. I went to med school and that was that. I put her into a nursing home and tried my best to take care of her.

Even though she told me in death that I was anything but ordinary, I still wish we could've had a proper relationship. I wish I could have had the mommy that made chocolate chip cookies and put my random art on the fridge, but I dealt. Just because Ellis was a horrible mother doesn't mean that I will be.

**Being over everything doesn't mean that you can forget and that the memories are gone. It doesn't mean that your existence didn't change me or your disappearance didn't destroy me.**

I don't really remember much of my father. What I do remember though were the moments when he would take me out to sled or pull me around in the wagon. I loved my wagon. He got it for my third birthday and that was the last time I got birthday presents. He would take me out for hours and pull me around.

Then one day all that happiness went away. I woke up and looked around for my daddy, but he was gone. I asked my mom where he was and she was so cold about it. She told me that he was gone and he was never coming back. I started crying and she told me that no man was ever worth crying over. How the fuck do you tell that to a child?! I didn't understand that back then, but it has stuck with me for all these years.

I remember a few months ago when I looked him up in the phonebook. I didn't want to make videos on my death bed, I wanted to tie up the loose ends. I wanted closure for my father's departure. I get to his house and he's a bumbling excuse for a man. He asked me if I didn't anything. No, obviously not. The only thing I wanted were answers. I wanted to know why he didn't fight harder, he said he tried, but there's no way in hell he did. If he had I wouldn't have all the problems I do now. I'd be able to let Derek in and not kick him out of bed in the middle of the night.

Then Susan died and that completely severed all ties I had with my father. He slapped me and humiliated me in front of everyone. I was done. Thatcher Grey was nothing to me. The only thing that he gave me were abandonment issues and fear of commitment. Thanks a lot Daddy.

**She's a disaster. She loses faith in herself every day. Her life is a mess and she doesn't even care. No one understands her. And people say stuff to put her down and no one even notices that she might be breaking inside. Or they never notice that maybe she needs a hug from someone. Or someone to sit there with her and listen to her. Maybe that's all she needs...**

Right...pink hair and all black. Those were some crazy ass times. I was so miserable and mad at the world when I was a teenager. I was alone and no one ever paid attention to me. I dye my hair pink and my own mother doesn't even take notice. I did well in school, but I kept to myself. I was the girl in the back of class who everyone talked about behind her back. I didn't have friends because I didn't form attachments. Looking back on high school now, I wish I had been different. Maybe if I had had a group of good friends I would be different. If I had friends, maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up.

Another thing besides the black clothes and pink hair was that I was a cutter. I'm not exactly proud of it, but it was the only way I was able to feel. The scars have all but faded to where no one would be able to tell, but I know. I know what it takes to take a razor and nick an artery in an attempt to feel. I made friends really quickly with one of my mother's interns. If I messed up bad enough I'd go to him and ask him to stitch me up. I would've done it myself, but you can't suture with one hand.

My teachers were always concerned with my behavior. I would come in with bandages on my forearms or bracelets all up them. They noticed when I lost weight or when I wouldn't be in class. I would skip class when I was too weak from not eating or after cutting myself. I guess I did all this for the attention I lacked from my mother. I couldn't believe how skinny I got, I'm 5'7 and I got down to 85 pounds. I'm petite, but I looked like a skeleton all throughout high school. Senior year I decided that anorexia and cutting was childish and I slowly stopped doing them.

It hurt so much knowing that Ellis paid no attention whatsoever to me. I could've completely shredded an artery and died in the bathroom and she wouldn't notice. It would have probably been a relief for her. She would never have to come home from the hospital then.

I worry what Derek thinks when he sees my arms. Because I know that if you look closely at my forearms, you'd see the faint white lines. And he analyzes every part of my body. God I could never come clean to Derek about that part of my past, it's far too painful. I don't even know what he would think. That would probably make him send me to rehab or a shrink.

But yeah I was a rebel. I don't really talk much about high school or college for that matter. That's the one part of my life that the nurses would absolutely love. "Oh that Meredith Grey...did you hear? Poor girl's arms are etched with lines." Or whatever the fuck they talk about concerning me. I don't think this is a part of my past that needs to resurface, seriously.

**Last night, I got served, a little bit too much of that poison baby. Last night, I did things I'm not proud of, and I got a little crazy. Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor, and I let him call me "baby"**

I remember my first experience with tequila. Jose and I are old friends. We started our love affair when I was a freshman in college. I was quiet and reserved and then my room mate drags me to this frat party. I down a few shots and soon I'm not quiet and reserved, I'm loud and horny. To this day I still do not remember the guy's name. He told me at least 20 times the next morning what his name was, oh well buddy you weren't that great anyways.

The drinking became a quick habit for me. It didn't matter whether I was stressed out or just bored, I consorted with my trusty friend and all was forgotten. Then when I was old enough to get into bars, I started bringing random men home and sleeping with them. I don't even want to know how many guys I've slept with. I know it's a lot. Enough to label me a whore, but none of that matters because I'm done.

The night I met Derek I had made a pact with myself: no more men. I wasn't interested in that lifestyle anymore, I needed to be focused on my job. But when he smiled at me, oh my God, all caution was cast aside. He was the only guy that I felt an instant connection with. I knew it was going to be hard for him to remain a one night stand, but then it turned out he was my boss. So I was done with the one night stands for awhile.

But then his wife came and I went back to the old me. I went to Joe's every night and every night I had someone new to alleviate the void Derek left. I tried to silence the voice the back of my head that said that no one could ever replace Derek. But I knew no matter how many different guys I slept with, they still wouldn't be Derek.

I could never in a million years tell Derek the number of guys I slept with. He's called me a whore once, that was enough. But now I'm done. Derek is the last guy I ever want to sleep with. He's the guy I want to go to bed with and wake up with and do everything in between with. I. Am. Done. No more boys. But I can't guarantee no more tequila. That shit basically comes with the territory.

**Maybe I wasn't asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand, because for so long I've been hurt and for so long you've ignored it, and maybe it is bad timing, but maybe, I don't care. I've been here all along just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you've been waiting to, and you haven't and maybe you never will or maybe you're afraid to. But it all hurts the same,and in the end, I'm the one that's left broken and when I lay down to sleep, I'm still the one crying, so screw the bad timing. I've loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will.**

I told Derek to pick me, choose me, love me. He picked Addison, he chose Addison, but he still loved me. That much was obvious. When he picked her my world crashed down. I was a walking train wreck and everyone in the fucking hospital was talking about me. I walked around in a daze for I think a week before I pulled myself together. I was in auto pilot until that patient Shane came in. He was just like me, everyone was talking about what was wrong with him. I can deal with people talking about me, but about a patient...no way.

Derek and I became friends or something. We would walk Doc everyday and we would talk. I highly doubt that Addison knew where her husband was every morning and that the dirty ex mistress was accompanying him. But I didn't want to totally give Derek up and I think he felt the same way. So we did the friend thing. It hurt like hell because I wanted him, but I bit the bullet and was his friend.

Seeing him everyday though, with her...was so painfully heart breaking. The man I was head over heels in love with had a wife. He picked said wife. I didn't get over that fact. He said before my whole speech that he was going to sign the papers. That Addison would be on the first plane out of Seattle, but he didn't. It hurt. It was like he was slowly chipping off pieces of my heart and stomping on them.

I literally ached each time I saw him after that. The sleepless nights became insomnia and my tear ducts basically turned against me. I hated being this way over a guy, this person wasn't me. I tried moving on, but it didn't work. If anything, it made me want Derek even more. I waited for it to pass and it never did.

**The saddest thing is I don't blame you. Deep down, I wish I could hate you, but I can't. I can't hate you for not loving me anymore than I could hate myself for loving you because I believe that you wanted to fall for me. I've seen your eyes searching mine enough times to know that you tried, but the human heart is a funny thing; it can't be told when and where to fall in love. You're a good person who has always tried to do the right thing, and when the feelings weren't there the right thing was to let me go. I just wish that it hurt less and not more.**

Like I said before...he chose her. His wife. He wouldn't be Derek if he didn't try to fix his marriage. I couldn't place blame on him, he took vows. I wasn't going to pressure him into breaking up with her for me, I couldn't. If he loved me enough then maybe...one day, we could be happy.

But then prom happened and everything shifted. He broke it off with Addison. I had my appendix out. He walked away. I broke up with Finn. It was a whirlwind of events that is making me dizzy writing about them. Apparently I told Addison I wanted Derek to be the one. Addison told Derek not to hurt me again. Derek broke up with me, so I chose him. I wanted him to be the one, so bad.

I felt bad for Addison. But not too much. She moved to LA to change her life or whatever. Now Derek and I can finally be happy. I still want him to be the one. I need him to be the one.

**Do you ever feel tired of life? Not like you want to die. But feeling tired of stress. Tired of chaos. Tired of trying to be perfect, and trying to please everyone. Do you ever feel like saying 'Jesus... just take me home now'?**

It was a lapse in judgment. The drowning. I thought it would be easier being dead, but it wasn't. I couldn't deal with the fact that I would leave everyone behind. I couldn't survive without Derek everyday. I realized that my issues were fucking stupid and I came back. I don't want to talk about what happened. I stopped fighting. It was stupid. Period. End of story.

**Last night, I couldn't sleep. My mind kept going back to the way things used to be. It's nights like these when I miss sleeping next to you, with your hand resting on my side and your labored breath in my ear. Oh what I'd give to be able to go back to those moments.**

Sex and mockery was the deal breaker. We agreed to have sex only, no sleep overs. But the thing of it all is that when we're done having sex, I don't want to move. I want to stay in his arms forever. It's safe and there's nothing wrong with being safe. It hurts to kick him out in the middle of the night, the look on his face breaks my heart. But this is S&M, there's no time for cuddling.

I HATE this arrangement! Why did we even think of it? I mean break up sex is awesome, but it wasn't break up sex anymore. It was sex all the time, every where. I'm all for the sex...more sex I say. Oh my God. I just Derek'ed that up. Oh well, he can be quite philosophical sometimes. I don't want S&M. I want more.

Like in his trailer last week, we actually made progress. We talked afterwards instead of me grabbing my clothes and jetting out the door. We talked about how our days were and what we were doing before the break up sexing. It was...nice. But I want the moments back. I want him to wrap his arms around me and we fall asleep together.

I really need to stop the break up sexing. I want us to go back to being Derek and Meredith. The break up sex was fun while it lasted, but I want reunion sex. That's always better than break up sex, much hotter too. So I'm going to tell Derek that I don't want him seeing other people. Let's see how long it takes me to fuck that one up.

**When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.**

That's the last thing I write before closing the journal. The official death of dark and twisty Meredith. My issues don't matter anymore. Derek is what matters to me the most. I'm not going to dwell on this crap anymore, I don't need to be unhappy. I deserve to be happy, this has been a long time coming. I'm getting married. I lean back in the chair and smile to myself.

"Bright and shiny...here I come."

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**Okay that feels terribly rushed and I'm sorry. I tried to imagine what it was like for Mer when she was younger. Main word being tried. I could've done it better but my brain is completely fried thanks to finals. Update: Saturday**


	6. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

I can finally say that I'm happy. That I, Meredith Grey, am happy on the most celebrated holiday of the year. Christmas usually means quality time spent with Joe and Jose, but this year…this year I'm engaged to my McDreamy. This year I have something to look forward to. This year I have plans, wait no correction, we…we have plans. Derek's been super secretive ever since the beginning of December, and now that it was the day before Christmas Eve day; he was being extremely distant. Well, not exactly distant, but very un-Derek like.

We had both taken today till the day after Christmas off. I was surprised when Richard allowed the two of us off. I rolled over to look at the clock; it was only 5. I groaned and nuzzled into Derek. My inner intern clock was telling me to wake up even if it was my day off. I felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist, pulling me closer into him. I smile into his neck as I feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. He's still sound asleep. I close my eyes and soon I'm back to a deep sleep. It seems like minutes later when I feel him kissing my temple and I slowly open my eyes.

"Mmm good morning," I say with a smile.

"That it is," he says before kissing me gently.

"So what are we planning to do today?"

"Well I know for sure that Izzie has turned the house into Santa's freaking village. I'm a little bit nervous to go downstairs," I giggle.

"It can't be that bad Mer."

I cock an eyebrow at him. "Seriously Derek? She's Izzie. She's always a ray of sunshine, which totally annoys me at times, but whatever...she's Izzie. I can smell the cookies already and it's what? Only 10?"

He chuckled as he shook his head. I roll away from him while wrapping the sheet around me before getting out of bed.

"Woah where do you think you're going?"

"Oh, just the shower," I say innocently. That makes him practically vault off the bed and follow me into the adjoining bathroom.

Derek's still upstairs getting changed when I finally descend the stairs into the

North Pole. I swear Izzie is like the mother I never had; even if she's younger than me. She cooks, cleans, bakes, and observes holidays. My mom never did any of that. Ellis always had someone else to do it. I hear music being blasted in the kitchen and the smell of chocolate chip cookies invades my senses as I land upon the last step. Izzie shakes her head at me as I enter the kitchen.

"Seriously Mer?! I mean haven't you gotten it through your head yet?"

"Huh?"

She drops the wooden spoon and glares at me.

"We've all told you time and time again about you and the loudness. Are you ever going to stop with the screaming?"

My jaw gapes open slightly.

"I do not scream!"

She puts her hand on her hip and rolls her eyes.

"Okay fine!" I throw my hands up. "I scream. Happy now?"

She laughs lightly, but is looking past me. I raise my eyebrows because I know, even before turning around, who it is. He laughs a little in surprise before speaking.

"So are you discussing our sex life Meredith?"

Izzie glances quickly between me and Derek. I go to open my mouth, but Izzie responds for me.

"Uhh sorry Dr. Shepherd. It's just…you guys are…really loud. No offense."

"Outside of the hospital it's Derek. First I'm sorry about that. And second…uhh I guess none taken?"

She laughs and looks right at me.

"Doc…I mean Derek, you're not the one I'm really talking about," as she gestures towards me.

"Alright, I'm loud. Point taken. Can we not have this conversation so early in the morning, please? Wait, no, can we never have this conversation?"

She nods with a smirk before going back to baking.

"Hey Izz, do you need any help?"

A look of shock etches upon her face. "Uhh…no I'm good. But thanks Mer!"

I narrow my eyes at her before Derek drags me into the living room.

"So I was thinking that maybe we could go to my Mom's for Christmas."

I feel the panic course through my veins and I'm rooted to the spot. I take a few deep breaths, I can do this.

"Really? I sort of wanted to have Christmas with my family here. We could ask Richard for more time off and go for New Year's. That would be fun right? I've always wanted to be in New York for that. And I know that I've got to meet your family sometime, but last year Christmas seriously sucked for me," he cut me off.

"Alright. I'll call Richard tomorrow okay? I know we both have a lot of vacation time, so it's perfect." He says before pulling me into a hug.

Meeting his family was going to be a huge step for me. I've never been the type of girl who met families. Ever. I was the girl who would sleep with someone and never see them again; relationships were out of the equation. But now, I finally had that someone; the someone that made my world stop and make my heart beat slower and faster all at the same time. Good God Meredith, where the hell did that come from? Derek has totally ruined me.

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**Christmas Eve**

Everyone was here. Derek, Cristina, Izzie, Alex, George, Joe and Walter, Mark and even Lexie were all stationed around the house. Last Christmas I was brooding because Derek was with Addison. What a dramatic difference a year makes.

I'm feeling a little under the weather. Before I went to bed last night, I started throwing up and I had a fever. One of my idiot interns worked through the flu 2 days ago and now apparently I caught it. I guess I really can't call her an idiot; I would've done the same thing. I worked through appendicitis, well, until I started puking my guts out so it's a little justifiable. I was just hoping that whatever this bug was, that it'd be out of my system before going to visit Derek's family. I'm already the slutty intern; I don't want to be thought of as the diseased ex mistress who's now engaged to him.

I'm upstairs in bed because Derek's being overprotective and caring, as always. He says that if this is the flu, that some bed rest and medicine will cure it. I'm guessing he's unaware of the M.D. after my name. I feel a wave of nausea overcome me and I bolt into the bathroom. I kneel before the toilet and empty my stomach, even though I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday. In between my heaving I hear a knock on the bathroom door, it's Izzie.

"Mer, dinner's ready if you feel up to it."

I suppose she's clueless. Or maybe she hasn't heard me vomiting. I take a deep breath and bring myself to my feet. The room's spinning as I get my balance against the door before opening it.

"Still sick?"

I glare at her.

"Right, well if you can handle some food, dinner's on the table."

"Thanks Izz," I say as I saunter back into the bathroom to brush my teeth and attempt to tame my out of control hair. As I head down the hall towards the steps, though, another bout hits me and I run back into the bathroom. Maybe Derek's advice is best, but it was my house and they were my guests. I brush my teeth again and finally make it down the stairs.

"Meredith! Get your ass back in bed!" Cristina chastises.

"I'm fine. I wouldn't be a very good hostess if I laid my ass in bed all night. So here I am...hostessing."

"That's not even a word," Alex chimes in.

"Yes it is, it's the act of hosting." 

"Then it would be hosting, not your fucked up version."

"Seriously Alex my head's already pounding. I don't need to think of words right now, so please drop it."

He nods curtly and gets back to his dinner. I sit next to Derek and push the plate of food away from me. The flu equals aversion to all foods, no matter how tasty. I instead opt for a sip of the ginger ale that Derek undoubtedly put there. I feel his hand on my thigh and I turn to smile at him. He smiles back as he rubs circles with his thumb, I get lost in his eyes until someone clears their throat. Probably Cristina or Mark. I look around the table and everyone's shaking their head, except Joe, he's giving me a knowing look.

"Stop eye fucking her man, some of us are trying to digest," Mark says with a grin. Derek goes back to eating, but still keeping his hand protectively on my thigh.

--------------------------------------------------

Derek and I are heading to the house, it's Christmas morning. We snuck out of the house before everyone woke up. I have yet to see what's been built and I'm a little nervous. I mean sure I've seen the plans and where his land was, but the house and the location of it are still a mystery to me. It has been completed for about 3 weeks now, but Derek has forbid me to go to the trailer so I have no clue. He's got a damn blindfold on me and not seeing, but feeling motion, is making me sick to my stomach. Thankfully, the car stops before it gets really bad. I don't know whether we're on the ferry or actually on his land.

"Mer, we're here."

He pulls the blindfold off slowly and I'm in shock as I see the house. It's perfect. It is definitely the "Seattle Derek" type of house. I didn't think that when I agree to the plans, that it would look so perfect. It's not on the waterfront, but the views from the back deck are amazing. I know the sunrise off the lake, but the house is on the Sound, so the sunrise will be even more spectacular.

"Derek…it's perfect," I say breathlessly. He pulls me towards him and kisses me tenderly. I smile into his lips and fist his shirt. I hear someone clear their throat and we pull away quickly.

"I swear you two…take a second and think before you kiss like that. Although I wouldn't mind seeing Grey without clothes," Mark says with a wink. I roll my eyes.

"Merry Christmas to you as well Mark. How come you're at our house? Please don't tell me you're moving in," I look quickly between them.

He chuckles heartily, "Sorry but no. Derek asked me to watch the," he stops and gets a weird look on his face before continuing, "He asked me to make sure the place didn't burn down."

I look at Derek expectantly.

"What? There are a few fire places. C'mon let's go in," he effectively drops the subject, or whatever it was Mark meant.

He takes my hand in his, entwining our fingers, before we walk inside. My breath is taken away yet again by how beautiful…how us…the house is.

"Derek I love you. This house is perfect," I say with a smile.

"Really? I honestly thought it would be too small when I had the plans drawn up. I tried to get them to…"

I interrupted him, "No it's perfect. It's just…it's so us. The water's right there and I dunno it's us. That's the only way I can explain it really," I kiss him lightly.

"Hmm…so us. I like the way that sounds," he flashes the McDreamy smile and my heart skips a beat.

"Merry Christmas Meredith."

"Merry Christmas Derek," I say as I lean up to kiss him. The kiss heats up and he lays me down onto the couch. My mind fogs over as I feel his fingers creeping along my rib cage.

------------------------------------------------

As I pull my shirt on I catch Derek staring at me. I feel chills go through my spine and I smile at him. He smiles back and gets up and leaves the room.

"Hey where do you think you're going?" I call to him, but he doesn't answer. Maybe he wants us to christen another room of the house. I giggle to myself as I sit in the leather chair by the fire place. I start to feel nauseous again, but it soon passes, which is a good thing since I have yet to find out where the bathrooms are. Derek comes back into the living room and sits in the chair's twin opposite from me. He sets a big box down in front of me and gives me a wink.

"Merry Christmas Mer. Open it."

"But we already gave each other our gifts last night."

"I know, but this one's special. Hurry up and open it!"

Okay he's acting weird. Well, weirder than normal. I cautiously tug at the bow and put it on the floor. I then proceed in ripping the wrapping paper off of it, but then the box moves. I shoot a confused look at Derek, but his gaze is fixed on the box. I pull the top off and there's a tiny puppy sitting there looking up at me. It wags its tail and jumps up on the side of the box. I laugh when the puppy's weight causes the box to fall to its side. I lean down and pick it, or rather, him up. He licks my face and I giggle lightly.

"So do you like him?"

I nod and smile.

"Good because we need a dog here. He's a Bernese Mountain dog, so he'll be pretty big when he grows up. What do you think we should name him?"

"Oh…right he would need a name," God am I clueless sometimes. But I figured that Derek had already named him.

"Ummm…"

"Jake," we both say simultaneously. The puppy picks up his head and barks.

I giggle and he chuckles.

"We really think alike huh?"

"Well you did tell me once that _The Sun Also Rises_ was your favorite book. And he didn't look like a Hemingway. Well if he gets into the liquor cabinet, then maybe we could rename him," I giggle again.

"So Jake it is then."

"Yep, hey Jake," I say while petting him. His tail is wagging nonstop and he's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen. The cuteness fest is soon interrupted by another wave of nausea.

"Uhh…Derek bathroom?"

He takes my hand and pulls me towards the closest one by the kitchen. I hunch over the bowl and I feel the bile burn my throat. I feel his hand rubbing my back slowly. Once it passes he presses a cool cloth to my forehead.

"You're still burning up Mer. How about we bring you back home?"

I smile up at him.

"What?"

"I am home."

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**Okay so this is the house. You can go through all the pictures, I love the house so….you should go through the pictures lol.**

**http://www.villagehome.us/KnightRoad/**

**But then again…every time I think of the house Derek will build her this one comes to mind.**

**http://images. mean the location of that house, with the lake right there…so them, even if this house is from "The Notebook."**

**And here's the puppy….**

** so that was the promised entry. Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a great holiday! I want reviews! Please? It is Christmas haha.**


	7. Someday I'll Understand

I hate being sick, it seriously sucks. A lot. Derek's hovering over me 24/7 and it's starting to get on my nerves. Normally I wouldn't mind the hovering, but he never leaves me the hell alone! A girl needs her space sometimes. We're supposed to go to Derek's mom's tomorrow and it's looking that we won't be able to go. Either my body is starting to respond to the severity of meeting his family or I am really sick.

I hear a faint knock on my door and then Derek walks in. I close my eyes before he sees that I'm awake. I can feel his presence next to me and I try really hard not to make any facial expressions.

"Meredith come on. I know you're awake."

I stayed still, maybe if I didn't move he'd go away. I felt his hands along my ribs, tickling me. Okay…so not fair! I open my eyes and the giggles are escaping my mouth. He is way too good at tickling.

"Okay! Okay! I'm up!" I say in between breaths, tears are streaming down my face. His fingers stop their assault and he brings one hand to my forehead. Here comes Dr. Shepherd. I sigh.

"Hmm…you're still pretty warm. Have you gotten sick again?"

"Not since 9ish. So it's been about 4 hours since I've thrown up. Do you want me to pack?"

He contemplates this for a minute and gives me a serious look.

"Mer, you still have a fever and even if you haven't thrown up since then, I'm not convinced that you're well enough to go."

"Then take me to the hospital to get me checked out. I really want to meet your family," his response to that one is a raised eyebrow and a skeptic look.

"I'm serious! I've been lying in bed for the past 5 days and I've had a lot of time to think about this. I need to meet them sooner or later and preferably sooner because of the wedding. I mean it won't be too horrible, right?"

He shook his head, "Are you sure you want to go?"

"Of course I am," I said petting Jake's head. "Can we bring him?"

"I don't really want to travel with a dog Mer. And plus he's still a puppy, he'll pee all over my mom's house."

I giggled lightly. "Maybe Cristina will watch him." 

"And have our happy adorable puppy turn into an apathetic and hardcore hell dog? I don't think so,' he says with the McDreamy smile.

"Okay the McDreamy smile isn't really applicable here, for one. And two…I was joking. She wouldn't watch him if I paid her a million dollars. I'm sure Izzie would love to watch him. I mean she loved Doc, well, before he started being a huge pain in the ass. She hasn't seen him yet and I hope she'll watch him."

"And if not Mark will. He helped me pick him out."

"Mark likes dogs?" I ask incredulously.

He chuckles, "Mark loves dogs."

"Never would've figured him to be the dog type. So I'm gonna get up now and pack, alright?" I say as I throw the sheets off and sit up. Derek eyes me carefully as I get out of the bed. I stand for a few seconds, but then I start feeling light headed and I sit right back down.

"Damnit!" I yell as I clutch my head. I really wanted to go to New York too.

"Mer…Meredith," I feel the bed dip and his arm rubbing my back.

"Contrary to popular belief Derek…I did really want to go," a few tears run down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away and lean into his body.

"Okay, its okay Meredith," he says as he continues rubbing my back. I feel my eyes droop, his rubbing is so soothing.

"I think…" I sigh heavily, "I think I need to see a doctor Derek."

**Nothing seems to be the way that it used to**

**Every thing seems shallow**

**God give me truth, in me**

**And tell me somebody's watching, over me**

I'm uncomfortable the entire ride to the hospital. My head's spinning and a million thoughts are flooding my mind. Derek even seems tense and distracted. He pulls into a spot outside of the ER entrance and gets out the car. I watch him go inside and get a wheel chair, then opens my door and helps me into the chair.

"This is humiliating Derek," I cringe as I lower myself down.

"Its just protocol," I can hear the fear in his voice. He rolls me into the pit and I close my eyes and pretend to be invisible. This is so embarrassing. I hear someone calling my name and I close my eyes even harder and shrink down into the chair. Derek stops immediately and groans. I know who it is and I really wish Bailey was in the pit.

"Hey Meredith! Oh no what's wrong? Come on tell Sydney."

I open my eyes slowly, "Is Dr Bailey here? I need to see her."

She nods, "Of course Meredith. She's over in the clinic if you want to go over there."

"Thanks Sydney," I hear Derek say softly before turning me around and wheeling me out the door. We cross the parking lot and go into the clinic. I see Bailey looking over a chart and Cristina lying on one of the beds. I breathe a sigh of relief and Derek clears his throat. Bailey's eyes shoot up and bore into me.

"Grey? What the hell are you doing here?" She says, but she's looking at Derek.

"I've been sick for the past week and it isn't getting better. If it was the flu, I'd be feeling somewhat better by now."

She looks at me skeptically then looks to Derek.

"I wouldn't have brought her in if I didn't think something was wrong. Could she have mono?"

"Well if I had mono, wouldn't ya think that you'd have it by now?"

"Alright well I'll bring you to an exam room Grey. Derek you can fill out these forms."

"But…"

She glares at him, "Did I ask you to question me? No. Now go fill out those forms!" She shoos him away and wheels me into an exam room.

**Don't you run too fast my dear**

**Why don't you stop?**

**Just stop and listen to your tears**

**They're all you've got**

Doctor Bailey's just taken my blood and she keeps shooting knowing glances at me. I'm lying on the exam table and I start to taste bile in the back of my throat. I reach for the emesis basin and throw up. I groan and lay back onto the table.

"At least we can rule out appendicitis," I say jokingly.

She glares at me, "Meredith…what are your symptoms? I know the obvious vomiting, but what else? And is there anything you aren't telling me?" 

"Uhhh… well the throwing up, dizziness, fever, chills, stomach pain, and I'm always tired. I thought it was mono, but wouldn't Derek have it?"

She disregards this though, "Where's the stomach pain?"

"Well mostly all over, but sometimes it concentrates on my left side." The symptoms add up in my head and my jaw drops.

"Could it be diverticulitis?"

"Well we won't know until we get your labs back. Cristina's gonna pick them up, that's alright isn't it?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

She opens her mouth to speak, but Cristina comes in with a shocked look upon her face.

"Uhhh what's going on with me? Am I dying?" I say with a light laugh. Cristina shakes her head as she hands Bailey the results. She reads them quickly and I see her facial expression change dramatically. Now I'm getting nervous, Bailey never shows emotion.

"Meredith can you tell me when your last period was?"

"Why would that…" realization suddenly dawns on me.

"Answer the question Grey."

"Well I haven't been regular in awhile, but the last time I had it was a few months ago. But it skips around a lot."

"What type of birth control do you use?"

"Uhh well I haven't taken it in awhile. We've stuck to using condoms."

"How long is awhile?"

"About 5 or 6 months."

She sighs and hands me the results. I read them thoroughly; my hCG levels were extremely high.

"Oh fuck! This is so not happening right now. I can't…I can't be pregnant."

Cristina snorts and Bailey whips around and fixes her with a death glare. I sink back against the table. I just thought it was stress and the flu, I never would've figured I'd be pregnant.

"But Dr Bailey…these levels are way too high."

"I suggest we get you up to see an OB/GYN. Do you want to get Derek?"

I nod slowly and stare into space. This was definitely not something that I expected. I would have loved having mono over having a baby growing in my uterus. Stupid Derek and his stupid boy penis. I don't even remember when we didn't use a condom, I mean, we're a freaking ad for safe sex.

**Someday you will understand**

**In God's whole plan**

**And what He does to you**

**Oh but maybe, someday you will breathe**

**And you'll finally see**

**You'll see it all in my baby**

Bailey gets paged into an emergent bowel obstruction so Cristina wheels me out into the waiting room. I see someone hovering over Derek and anger surges through me, it's Rose. If I wasn't so shocked, I'd blame the excess of estrogen, but no I'm straight up pissed. I ease out of the chair and walk over to them.

"Hey Derek I need to go upstairs, are you coming?"

His smile fades a bit before he turns to me.

"Uhh well Rose and I were discussing the status of one of my post op patients."

"Oh really? Is that why she's draped over you like a cheap fucking suit?" I say bitterly. Their facial expressions make me laugh on the inside.

"Mer, what's wrong?"

"Come with me upstairs and I'll tell you. I will not tell you in front of a nurse. Because all the nurses do is fucking gossip about every insignificant detail of my life. Don't you Rose? Do you enjoy ruining my life? Does it make you feel better about your pathetic life? I mean why the fuck are you even talking to him?! He is my fiancé, he's the," Woah Mer…don't say father of my child.

"He's the love of my fucking life. So go away!"

Rose blushes and she runs out of the hospital. I turn back to Derek and sigh.

"Mer…what's wrong?"

"Please come upstairs with me. I'll tell you in the elevator okay?"

I walk over to the wheel chair and sit down. I sigh heavily and cross my arms against my chest.

"Mer, do you need me to come?" Cristina asks softly. There's a tone in her voice that I've never heard before. It's not dripping with sarcasm and I'm surprised.

"I'll be fine Cris. Thanks though," I say, smiling at her. Derek takes over and wheels me into the empty elevator. I breathe in deeply and get out of the chair to face him. I pull the emergency stop button and lean against the wall. He eyes me carefully and strides over until he's in front of me.

"Mer what," I kiss him passionately and pull away.

"Derek I umm….I'm pregnant," I say in a whisper. I see his eyes light up and he twirls me around.

"Are you really? This is so great Mer!" He kisses me lightly then pulls away smiling.

"You're excited? Seriously?"

"And you aren't?"

"I dunno…it's definitely different. I mean…it's not something I ever envisioned for myself. Then when I met you," a grin spreads across my face, "when I met you…everything about me changed. When I started dating you I pictured what life would be like 20 years from now. If our children would have your dark curly hair or my eyes; I never saw myself as a mother until I was with you. You changed me for the better and I love you for it," I say with a small smile.

"And apparently you've turned me into a cheesy romantic as well."

"God we're having a baby. I cannot believe it, this is so exciting," he kisses me passionately, pushing me up against the wall. His fingers tangle in my hair and then I feel one over my stomach. I pull away to look at him. His eyes are sparkling as he stares at my belly. He pushes the stop button and the elevator shifts into motion again.

**No moment will be more true**

**Than the moment I look at you**

I'm lying on an exam table again and my feet are in stirrups. I swear this is the most humiliating position ever. I don't even know who this OB/GYN is. They said that it was a resident, which makes me feel a little uneasy. I hear the door knob turn and I look up to see who it is.

"No no no no. No. I am not having you look at my vagina."

"Oh c'mon! I'm the only guy doc in this place that hasn't," Alex says with a smile.

"No!"

"Relax Mer, I'm only doing an ultrasound to determine how far along you are and if it'll be possible, the sex if you two wanna know."

I look over to Derek, he nods.

"Alright fine Alex. But I swear to God if you so much as make a comment, I will kill you. Let's get this over with please."

Alex pulls my shirt up and spreads gel over my stomach. He's strictly professional as he grabs the transducer and runs it over my abdomen. He pulls the screen closer to him, making us unable to see, and he looks at it carefully.

"This is weird. I'll be right back. I need to get Dr Gellar," he says as he leaves the room.

I look at Derek and there's panic written all over his face. I try to remain calm because if I don't keep breathing, I'll lose it. And I don't want to cry over this, not yet. The door opens again and Alex and Dr Gellar walk in. Dr Gellar sits down in front of the ultrasound machine and looks at the picture. Her facial expressions run the gambit for a few tense seconds. She grabs the transducer and again I feel it press into my stomach.

"Is everything alright," I manage to say in a low voice. She places the transducer back and turns to look at me and Derek.

"Everything is fine Meredith."

"Well if everything is fine, why did Alex need you?"

She looks between us slowly before opening her mouth to speak. Fine to me translates into the word's antonym. All I could think of in that moment was how screwed I was. I sighed and closed my eyes as I mentally prepared myself for whatever she was about to tell me.

**Someday you will understand**

**In God's whole plan**

**And what He does to you**

**Oh but maybe, someday you will breathe**

**And you'll finally see**

**You'll see it all in your baby**

------------------------------

**So that's it. Haha evil, well quasi-evil. I'll have something in here soonish. And I promise I won't kill McBaby, alright? That's all I'm promising. It's gonna get a little bumpy in the next few updates though. I want reviews, seriously. It isn't that hard peoples….and plus if you review, I will post updates faster. And you's all wanna know what's wrong…right? So review!**


	8. This is the Best Day Ever

"_Everything is fine Meredith."_

"_Well if everything is fine, why did Alex need you?"_

I feel my heart pounding in my chest and I wait anxiously for her answer. She sighs heavily and begins to open her mouth. I hear someone's pager go off and look around; it's Alex.

"Sorry Mer, Bailey's paging me to the pit. Gotta go," he says as he backs carefully out of the room.

Doctor Gellar turns the monitor towards Derek and I, she's smiling. But this isn't a normal smile; it's like the smile I use after using the word fine. I shift uncomfortably and then I see it. Or rather, I see…them.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Twins?!" I whip around to Derek, "You! You and your boy penis! Twins Derek….twins! I can't handle one baby, but two? Seriously!" I sigh heavily and look closer at the monitor. I study it for a minute carefully and my heart begins to race again.

"Uhh Dr Gellar…what aren't you telling us? Because I see something I saw last year and well…please tell me I'm not seeing that."

Her facial expression changes and she nods solemnly. I sigh and lean back into the table, my hand unconsciously goes to rest on my stomach.

"Wait…what's going on? Am I missing something here?"

"Well see here," she points to something on the screen and Derek nods, "the twins' blood vessels are intertwined, twin A has too much amniotic fluid and B has too little. It's early enough to be treated, so if we treat it now they should be perfectly okay."

Even through the severity of the situation, I see his eyes light up.

"So they're identical?"

She nods, "Do you want to know the sex?"

He looks down at me and I nod.

"Well besides the TTTS, both girls look fine. We should probably take care of this as soon as we can though."

"I want Addison to do it," I say without thinking. It then registers that she said girls.

"We're having girls!" I say with a grin as I look at Derek. His face makes me melt, it's the McDreamy look and he's not taking his eyes off the screen.

"I have two little princesses," he says in awe. "How far along is she?"

"Hmm well by the looks of things she's about…17 weeks."

My jaw drops, "What?! I haven't even gotten sick until 5 days ago and I haven't put any weight on, are you sure I'm that far?"

"This is very accurate at predicting due dates, and you're due about…June 10th or 11th. But with twins you could go earlier than that. So you said something about Dr Montgomery?"

"Yeah I um…well I want Addison to do the surgery. I was on a case similar to this before with her…and I want her to help our girls," I say simply. I hear Derek's breathing change and he takes my hand.

"Are you really sure Mer? I mean she's in LA and I don't know if…"

I cut him off as I feel tears building behind my eyes, "I want the best for our girls Derek and Addison is the best. I can't…I can't lose them Der. I just can't."

I fight through the sob as I rub circles on my stomach. I close my eyes tightly, this is all my fault. If I had gone to the gynecologist's when I missed my period, maybe this wouldn't be happening. I'd been working crazy hours and I've been so stressed; God…I'm a doctor how stupid could I be? I feel Derek's hand over mine, stilling its movements. I open my eyes slowly; it's just me and him in the room now.

"This is my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid we wouldn't be in this situation. The girls would be healthy…"

"Mer…no. It started out like this; it's not your fault. Dr Gellar just went to call Addie," he said brushing the tears off my face. I sigh heavily as he wraps his arms around my shaking frame.

------------------------------------

Doctor Gellar comes in with a smile on her face. She sits back in the chair and faces us.

"Okay Addison says she'll be here in about a week for your surgery. She has to take care of a few things in California first. I scheduled you for January 8th at 10 for the surgery, is that alright?"

"That should be fine. I have vacation time saved up so I could use it," I say slowly with a sigh.

"Meredith, this has nothing to do with you and what you have or haven't done. They've had this since the very beginning, so don't beat up on yourself. I'm gonna print out a sonogram picture and then we can set up your next appointment."

"Okay, thanks," my voice sounds empty. I know this isn't my fault…but why do I have the suspicion that I could've done something to prevent it?

----------------------------------------------

Derek takes my hand and leads me out of the exam room. I'm clutching the sonogram to my chest and my head's resting on Derek's shoulder. I feel so guilty, but at the same time so excited. Twin girls, the thought of this makes me smile and groan at the same time. They're gonna get so much pink shit…I HATE pink. I mean, yeah, I dyed my hair pink…once. But that so does not mean I like the color. I'd much rather have neutral colors for them and they will NOT be dressed alike. I am not Izzie, I do not do cute. I swear if Derek gets that idea I am so chopping his balls off.

"Hey Der…"

"Hmm?"

"Can we keep this to ourselves for a little bit? At least until after the surgery?" I say looking up at him. His eyes are sparkling and he nods.

"Well Bailey and Cristina know only because they gave me the results. I'm pretty sure Cristina won't tell my friends. Maybe I should talk to her. But we're definitely not telling the sexes okay? I can do the labor and all the scary thoughts of me becoming my mother…but no pink. Please Derek…I can't do it. That scares me worse than anything."

He chuckles heartily and stops. He turns to me and I don't get what's so funny.

"What the hell do you find so amusing Derek?!"

"What's wrong with the color pink Mer?"

"It's not natural! I just…I don't like babies in pink. Well I don't like girls all dolled up in pink…I don't want the girls to look like Pepto Bismal spit up on them. I mean green, purple, yellow, and orange are fine. And some pink, not dripping in pink. I mean how adorable would they look in green and purple?"

"Well if they have your eyes then they'd definitely look good in anything," he cocks his head to the side and grins at me.

"You're trying to butter me up. It won't work. What should we do about going to your mom's?"

His face drops, "Oh right my mom. Uhh do you still want to go?"

"But what about the girls?" I say as I place a hand over them. He places his hand over mine, lacing our fingers together, I smile up at him.

"The girls will be fine. We can go and then be back for your surgery," I saw something in his eyes. Something that I rarely saw in them: fear and uncertainty.

"Maybe your mom can come out here? I know that that's probably not the best solution, but knowing what I know…I don't want to risk anything Der."

He nods and takes my hand again.

"So no pink, okay. I can do that. What about matching out…"

"You'd be wise not to finish that sentence."

"But why? That would be so cute."

"Because they're identical and I want to be able to tell them apart. And plus…they need to have their own identities. Not to be known as 'the twins' or whatever."

We reach the elevator and I see both Bailey and Cristina standing by the OR board. I look at Derek and motion that I'm going to talk to them; he nods and goes over to the nurses' station.

"Dr Bailey…"

"What is it Grey?"

"I umm…I wanted to umm ask if you could not tell anyone about me being pregnant. You too Cristina."

"Mer why don't you want anyone to know?"

"I just want to tell people when I'm ready to, okay? Please…just do this one thing for me Cristina. Dr Bailey can you come with Derek and I?"

She nods and follows us into the elevator.

---------------------

"You gonna talk Grey? Or did you invite me to get McDreamied in an elevator?"

"No…it's just…I feel like you're the only one I can really talk to about this. The girls have TTTS and I've call…."

"Woah woah…you're having twin girls?"

"Uhh yeah I am," I say avoiding eye contact.

"Well Meredith when you do something, you really do it don't you," her tone is light and she's smiling.

"I called Addison to come do the surgery, but I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what to think. I know the statistics on TTTS and some aren't so great. It's weird because I've never felt something like this before. Being pregnant….oh my God…it's so…"

"I know Meredith," she grins widely. "As long as I don't get another McDreamy running around here thinking he owns the place, I'm good. But two little girls…wow. How are you feeling Derek?"

"Like I'm on cloud 9," he says with a huge smile. "Addie's the best, so I'm not too worried about the TTTS. I mean I am, but I'm being optimistic."

I smile over at him as the elevator jolts to a halt and the bell dings its arrival on the main floor.

"Please Dr Bailey, I don't want anyone to know about the twins or that I'm pregnant until after we know they're okay."

"No problem Meredith. But you tell anyone I was soft…I will kill you and make it look like an accident. I don't do soft. I am not soft," she says with a wink before we step out of the elevator.

"I don't want to see you in this hospital until 3 weeks after that surgery," she states as the doors close.

----------------------------

We're silent the entire ride home, but a good silence. His hand is tightly grasping mine and when I sneak glances at him, he's grinning. I smile as well and look out the window; we're pulling into the long driveway leading to the house. I hear a phone ringing and Derek quickly answers.

"Oh hi Mom. Yeah Merry Christmas to you too. Well Meredith and I were going to come out there tomorrow, but there's been a change of plans. No no nothing bad. Would you be able to come out here for a few days?"

"Derek…your sisters too. Just them…no kids though. I couldn't do 14 kids in this house," I say with a grin.

"Yeah we have enough room for you and the girls," I see excitement wash over his face as he says those words.

"Tomorrow? You can be here tomorrow? Are you sure Mom? Yes you'd meet Meredith. Is that Nancy in the background? Oh well…what?! Alright so she's not coming then, okay. Yeah we both have off for a month."

I hear her have a momentary freak out through the phone. I laugh, maybe I will like her.

"Mom….Mom calm down. It's a temporary leave of absence. I just need the time off; I've been working nonstop for a year and never took a vacation. I did it because we were coming to visit you and we wanted some time off. Alright Mom I have to go, yeah love you too. I'll pick you and the girls up tomorrow. What time? Okay I'll be there. Bye."

He places the phone in his lap and turns to me.

"So my Mom and sisters will be here tomorrow."

"I heard. I think I'm going to like your mom, she freaks out…that's familiar territory," I giggle. He pulls the car into the garage and Jake greets us at the door.

"Hey Jakey!" I squeal as I pick him up. He licks my face in response and I place him back on the floor. He runs in a circle before trotting off to play with his chew toy.

I pull Derek to me and kiss him deeply. I love our perfect little life.

-----------------------------------------------------------

**Alright I'm gonna end this update here. Leave you pondering that last line. Reviews get updates faster hehe.**


	9. Meeting the family Shepherd

Derek had left for the airport about 2 hours ago. He left me to tidy up the house and put sheets and towels in the guest rooms. I'm extremely nervous because I'm Meredith...I don't do this. I'm not the girl who meets families. I've never done this before; hell…I'm awkward enough with my own family. I hear my phone start ringing and I run into the kitchen to fish it out of my purse. I see the caller ID, it's Cristina.

"Hey Cristina."

"So you uh…you're pregnant."

"No shit. Why is that a big deal? You were pregnant once."

"I'm not saying it is…it's just…you're Meredith. You go to Joe's and are dark and twisty. I'm…I'm kinda freaked out that you'll be a McMomma. It's…"

"McMomma? Seriously…is that the best you could come up with? But maybe this is what I need to finally change my ways. I mean I haven't drank….oh God. I did drink. I…I did this Cris, I did this."

"Mer, calm down. Most women don't even know they're pregnant that early. And your drinking…as much as you think it led to you getting pregnant, I can assure you it didn't."

I pause a minute. What the hell is she talking about? Oh, right, she doesn't know about the girls or the TTTS.

"Mer? You still there?"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Just thinking. So Derek's mom and sisters are coming over today."

I hear her laughing on the other end.

"You are so screwed Mer."

"Why? I asked him to invite them."

"Oh shit, you're worse off than I thought. So changing the subject back to McFetus…how far along are you?"

"Uhhh well funny thing about that…"

"Oh God, you're full term?" She asks sarcastically.

"No I'm 17 weeks."

"WHAT?! How the fuck is that even possible?!"

"Well when two people love each…"

"I know how McFetus was conceived Meredith. And the sarcasm – not your strong suit. But seriously? Seventeen weeks?!"

"Yes Cristina I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Which is why I'm saying…I have gone to Joe's. Its crazy isn't it? I mean…I've been pregnant for 4 months and a week and I didn't even notice. My stomach…I don't even look 17 weeks. And I should really look it…"

"Wait what? Why should you really look it?" 

Oh shit. Way to go Meredith, you let that slip right out.

"Well look at me. I'm pushing 100 pounds, and being 4 months along…wouldn't I be showing?" I sigh.

"You just haven't popped yet. When you do…you're gonna be huge. I give it another week until the nurses figure it out. What are you telling Momma Shepherd?"

"I'm telling her the truth. And plus, she has 14 grandchildren; she'll know I'm pregnant. I just hope she's nice and doesn't rip my head off for being the slutty intern that wrecked Derek and Addison's marriage. Oh and for being the slutty intern who got pregnant before she was even married."

I hear the garage door opening. My heart starts to race. Calm down Mer, this can't be good for the girls.

"Look I have to go. Derek's back. Bye."

I hang up before she has a rebuttal.

--------------------------------

I hear the door open and Derek comes through first carrying a bunch of bags. He strides over to me and kisses me lightly. Jake runs to the door and immediately begins barking.

"Are you sure about this Mer?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I say with a smile as I pick Jake up so he doesn't jump all over them.

Derek goes back into the garage and continues bringing in suitcase after suitcase. Once there's a small mountain of suitcases he comes back in with 4 women flanking him. I fight the urge to run away screaming and locking myself in my bedroom. I look at the 4 of them and they all look identical to Derek, except that they have long hair and boobs.

"You must be Meredith!" Derek's mom exclaims before running over and embracing me. I'm tense for a few seconds before I hug her back.

"Yeah that's me," I say as she hugs me. She pulls away and holds me at arm's length. She looks me over and grins. Now I see where Derek gets the trademark look.

"Honey you're positively glowing! Oh…where are my manners," she chuckles, "I'm Frances. Now tell me…how far along are you with my 15th grandbaby?"

I giggle a little and Derek chuckles.

"Am I missing something here?" His mom says skeptically.

"Uhh well Meredith is having number 15 and 16."

Her eyes light up, "Twins! Oh dear, are you excited?"

"More than I ever thought possible. I'm actually 17 weeks."

"You're that far along? And Derek didn't care to inform me?!"

"Well Mom we just found out the other day. Oh and I should probably say that we're engaged too," he chuckles.

"Finally! When Nancy came back she thought the pair of you would be engaged within the month. It sure took you awhile to finally propose, huh Derek?"

He chuckles as his sisters step up and introduce themselves.

"I'm Kathleen and I'm the shrink. So I apologize for any reverse psychology I pull while I'm here," she says with a grin before continuing, "I'm 3 years older than Der. And I have a set of twins too. So I guess it's the Shepherd family curse."

"I'm Emma. I'm the baby. I'm actually in my last year of medical school at Columbia. I could intern at Seattle Grace next year if I want, but I've got a lot of options open. Thankfully, I'm not married…and I don't have kids," she said with a laugh, "But I'm excited to get new nieces or nephews."

"Nieces," I find myself saying without thinking. His mom's face lights up yet again.

"Twin girls, how precious."

"Well…I umm actually…" Great now is not the time to be tongue tied. Derek looks over at me and frowns.

"What Meredith is saying is that, well, the girls have TTTS. Addison is coming up next week and she's separating the blood vessels so the girls have the best shot."

"Addie's the best. You guys shouldn't have too much to worry about. I'm Sammi by the way. I'm 18 months older than Der."

"And you never let me live it down Sam. Oh yeah, she's got twins too. As does Nancy."

"I really should've asked if twins ran in the family," I say with a light giggle.

They all laugh. Jake is wriggling to get out of my arms and I let him down.

"No jumping Jakey," I say sternly. He inspects the Shepherd women for a minute before going over to his dog bed and lying down.

Derek takes his family upstairs and shows them their rooms. I collapse on the couch and sigh heavily. That went way better than expected. I actually kind of love his family. I wish that I had a mom like Frances and the loving, protecting sisters. I close my eyes and am soon fast asleep. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad, maybe…just maybe, I could finally get the family I'd always dreamt of.


	10. Wookies!

The old Meredith wouldn't be doing this. The family bonding thing or…whatever. The old Meredith would've bolted the second they walked in the house last week. But here I am…sitting with his mom and sisters looking at the many photo albums spread out before us. I really think that Emma's the smart one, she doesn't have any kids. I'm currently going through Nancy's albums. I went through Kathleen and William's and their kids. Let's see if I can do this…there's Billy who's 15, Cameron and Chloe who are 9, Rebecca who's 8, and Brennah who's 2. Sammi and Rob's kids are Erin who's 7, Jamie who's 3, and Jack and Chase who are 9 months old. Nancy and Andrew have Reghan who's 9, Taylor and Avery who are 6, David who's 4, and Nadia who's 18 months old.

There! I did it! All fourteen kids. They're all adorable and look like they've been cloned from one another. I think it's a safe bet that our girls will have dark hair and bright blue eyes like their cousins do. I sigh happily as Frances places another album into my lap.

"I know that this is probably very boring for you. All these albums to page through and kids who all look alike, but Meredith…I think you'll enjoy this one," she says with a smirk.

I open it and I can feel the smile forming across my face. It's Derek's baby book. I giggle at one picture in particular, Derek in a frilly pink dress and a pissed off look on his face. I can't stop laughing and he rips the book out of my hands and closes it.

"Oh stop being such a baby Derek," Sam says with a laugh.

"No! That's embarrassing! I still hate when you show these albums off to everyone. The least you could've done was burn this picture. My daughters will not be seeing this one!"

I see his eyes twinkle at the thought of our girls. I place my hand over my stomach and yawn. Apparently Derek notices this and starts gathering the albums together.

"What are you doing? I'm still looking at them; I wanna see what our girls will look like when they're here. But I'm guessing by the looks of all the other kids…they'll have your hair and eyes. I don't think I could mess with those genes," I laugh lightly.

"As long as they have their mommy's giggle…they can look like wookies and I wouldn't care."

I feign shock, "Wookies? You want our children to be wookies?"

He cocks his head and nods.

"Why the hell would you want that?"

"Well because of all the hair…they'd need conditioner," he says simply.

So he wants them to smell like lavender all the time. That makes perfect sense. I nod slowly at him and can feel my eyelids droop. These wookies sure as hell know how to make mommy tired already.

"Alright I think I might nap before dinner. The wookies are making Chewy tired," I say as I fight a yawn.

"I made reservations at that Italian place for 7."

"Can you wake me up then?" I say with an evil smirk before heading up the stairs.

----------------------------

I feel like I've been asleep for less than a few minutes when I feel the bed shift and Derek's breath against my neck.

"It's time for you to get up," he says with his lips against my collarbone.

"Mmm Derek…it's only been like 10 minutes," I say as I slowly open my eyes. I meet his darkened gaze and I giggle.

"You said to wake you up. Here I am," he kisses me lightly, "…waking you up."

"Are you aware that your mother and 3 sisters are sitting downstairs? Or have you completely lost your mind?"

"It's more thrilling to think that we could get bust…"

No sooner had that syllable left his lips, there's a knock at the door. He groans loudly and rolls off of me. I'm in a fit of giggles as I get up to answer it. I turn the knob and see Emma standing there blushing.

"Umm…Mom sent me up to make sure Derek woke you up. And uhh…yeah, you're up," she backs away slowly and back down the stairs.

"I think we've officially scarred Em for the rest of her life."

"We? You were the one wanting sex. I was quite content being asleep. Your little wookies are really adamant on making my life hell right now. They can't stop fighting each other long enough for me to sleep," I say as I rub my abdomen.

"Ah, but you were taking advantage," he says with a cocky grin.

"I did no such thing!" I giggle as he grabs my arm and pulls me into him. He lays me back against the pillows and pulls my shirt up.

"Derek," I say in a low warning tone. He disregards me as he lies next to me and rubs my slightly swollen stomach.

"Hey wookie one and wookie two, it's Daddy. I was just kidding about the looking like wookies thing. I don't care who you look like…but having Mommy's giggle is a must. Okay ladies? Alright…I'm gonna tell you a story about me. I have 4 sisters and one day they decided it would be funny if they dressed your Daddy up in a very pink…very lacey dress. Daddy wasn't too happy about this. So your Daddy ripped up the dress, which didn't make your aunts too happy. I got in lots of trouble for it. And well…I don't really know the point of that story, but I thought it'd be funny for you two to think of Daddy in a dress," he smiles and leans down and feathers kisses on my stomach. I smile down at him and sigh.

"We should probably get ready now," he frowns. I nod sadly at him.

"But if Daddy's a good boy…he can join me in the shower," I say as I raise my eyebrows.

---------------------------

"How about Grace?"

"Grace? Derek…they're babies, not old ladies. Umm…Madison?" I ask as I pull my dress over my head.

"Veto. Lily?"

"Veto. We could name one Lavender," I say with a giggle.

"As endearing that is…veto. Mackenzie?"

"You wanna McName one of our babies? Veto. Riley?"

"That's a boy's name! Audrey."

I erupt in laughter. I don't know why…but Will Ferrell comes to mind.

"What's funny about that name?"

"Anchorman….Will Ferrell…" I say in between giggles.

"Oh…" he laughs lightly. "Alright no Audrey. How about Melanie?"

"Too cutesy. Zoe?"

He just glares at me. I sit on the bed and pull my heels on. He zips up my dress and holds his hand out to help me up.

"I'm gonna have to say…veto," he says as he laces our fingers.

"How about veto? That's starting to sound cute," I chuckle.

"We'll find the perfect names," he says as he kisses me. I smile against his lips. Our girls would have the perfect names. One day soonish…we'd have perfect names for our little wookies.


	11. Worth it

Derek's sisters have gone back to New York, but Frances is still here. She told me that she wants to be around to help when I have my surgery. Oh right, the surgery. I'm actively not thinking about the surgery. Because if I think about it…I'll freak out. And I can't freak out, freaking out would not be good for the wookies. I giggle to myself; these poor girls are never going to live that nickname down. Well…I guess it's better than being the McTwins or whatever.

Jake comes trotting over to the side of the bed and whines. He can't get up on the bed so I reach down and lift him into my lap. I absently rub his head, my mind is elsewhere. I hear a light knock at the door and it creak open. I look to see Frances standing there with a tray.

"I just thought you'd like some toast or something. I know you're not gonna be able to eat later," she says with a warm smile.

"Thanks…Mom. I'm not really that hungry though."

I see her smile grow wider when I call her Mom.

"Okay then sweetheart," she sits on the edge of the bed.

"So how are you feeling?"

"I'm nervous as hell. I mean Addison is the best, but…it's so much different when you're the patient. These are my babies…and I…I dunno what I would do if anything happened. It's so weird because before I met Derek, I was dead set against having kids. But now," I smile as I rest my hand against my stomach, "Now I can't wait to see the girls. I can't wait to hold them in my arms and watch them grow. And all this estrogen is making me all…sappy," I giggle.

"It's the greatest feeling in the world," she says with a nod.

"I just want everything to be okay with them, ya know?"

She takes my hands in hers, "You'll be fine Meredith. These babies have Shepherd blood in them," she laughs.

I smile up at her and grab a piece of toast. I pull off a piece and hold it out for Jake. He looks at me and then at the toast.

"Go ahead Jakey, you can have a piece," that's all the confirmation he needs to take it out of my hand.

"I'm scared," I say suddenly. I avoid her gaze, but I can feel her eyes boring into me.

"It's natural to be scared."

"No…I'm not scared of that. I'm scared that I'll mess up the girls like my mother messed me up," I feel a few tears escape my eyes and I quickly brush them away.

"Mer…you're not messed up. You are not your mother," I look up and see Derek leaning in the doorway.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to tell you that you won't screw them up. You're nothing like Ellis. Ellis didn't have her priorities straight, she didn't show emotion. You're a great doctor Meredith and you're anything but cold towards people. You'll realize the second you hold them in your arms that you're different," he strides over to me and places a kiss on my head.

"I love you."

I wrap my arms around his waist and smile, "I love you too."

--------------------------------

The clicks resounding in the hallway are making me nervous. I know that with each click, Addison is getting closer to my room. Closer to the surgery. Closer to possibly losing one of the girls. I draw in a breath as the clicking stops suddenly. I look up and see her standing in the doorway, her glasses on the bridge of her nose as she glances down at my chart.

"So…you two wasted no time in getting the family started," she says with a smile and flips the chart shut.

I don't know how to interpret this, since she and Derek never settled down, so I just remain silent.

"Meredith…relax. I wasn't trying to be catty. I'm truly happy for the pair of you. Derek loves kids, although…it sort of came with the territory. All those sisters," she laughs.

I smile slightly and place a hand on my abdomen. I need them to be okay. I just do.

"I'm sorry Dr Montgomery…I'm just really scared."

She gives me a reprimanding look, "It's Addison. You'll do fine. You saw the procedure before, it's simple. I go in laparoscopically and sever the vessels the twins share. The surgery won't be too long, but I'm going to have to put you on strict bed rest for a few weeks at least."

I groan at that. I can't miss work…but this is critical for the girls' survival.

"Okay. I'm ready I guess."

-----------------------------------------

I slowly open my eyes and see Derek sitting in a chair next to my bed. His eyes are closed, but there's a smile playing on his lips. He's probably faking being asleep. I still my movements and watch him intently. His eyes flutter and he opens one, then quickly shuts it.

"Derek…honestly? I knew you were awake. You were grinning."

"There's a lot to be grinning for," he says softly as he takes my hand.

I quickly take my free hand and cover my stomach. I don't trust my voice as I look up at him carefully.

"The girls are fine Mer. Addison did a great job and you should be able to go home tomorrow," he brings my hand up to his lips and kisses my knuckles gently. I let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding.

"Good."

"So I got to think of a few names while you were out of it," he cocks his head and grins widely at me.

"What makes you think that I'll like them?" I counter back playfully.

"You'll love them."

"Okay…try me."

He gets out of the chair and leans next to my ear. He whispers a name in my ear and my heart flutters. I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I smile through them.

"What's wrong?" Concern is written all over his face. I shake my head.

"Nothing's wrong…estrogen. Estrogen is what's wrong."

"You hate it," his voice is low and hurt.

"Derek..no…no. I love it, it's perfect," I smile happily at him. He leans down and kisses me lightly.

I break the kiss and kiss along his jawline to his ear and whisper mine. I feel his facial muscles smile before I even pull away.

"So I guess they're not wookie one and wookie two anymore, huh?" His eyes are shining with tears and he's wearing a huge grin.

"We found the perfect names for the wookies. Although wookie was starting to grow on me," I giggle.

He sits back down in the chair and has a satisfied smile on his face. We have the names for the girls. We know that the girls are alright now. And knowing that…makes it all worth it.


	12. Names

Being pregnant sucks. But it really doesn't. It's an awesome feeling to know that our daughters are growing inside of me. It's great when I feel them move and it's even better when I'm able to grab Derek's hand and press it to my swollen stomach. I have 6 weeks left until my due date and I've been put back on bed rest, which seriously sucks. I go to see Addison once a week to check on the girls' progress. Addison took a leave from her practice in LA to be here until the end of my pregnancy, which I didn't expect. Going to see her is the only time I'm allowed to leave my room. I can't even go downstairs to eat, but that's Derek's doing. He brings my meals to be in bed everyday. I can't say that I'm not grateful, but I'm not an invalid. Another plus about bed rest is that even though I can't go downstairs, I'm cleared for bedroom activities. I thank God for this because sex is quite possibly the one thing keeping me sane. I don't know whether the pregnancy hormones are a blessing or a curse because when I'm exhausted and all I want is sleep, my body can't shut down until I get some. I feel bad each time I roll over and straddle Derek in an attempt to wake him up. I'm positive that all the sex is getting to him, but I can't stop. It sucks.

I miss working. I miss practicing freaking medicine. I would say I miss my friends, but they're constantly here. Bailey has it scheduled so that one of them is always with me. I really don't need a babysitter. I can work a phone; I may be on bed rest, but damnit I can take care of myself! I feel wookie one start kicking me forcefully in the ribs and I wince. She's always doing it and I can tell she's gonna be just like her mommy.

"Oh my God! Mer, are you alright?!"

"Iz…how many times have we gone over this? It's okay. She's just using mommy's ribs for kickboxing practice," I say as I rub the spot she's been kicking.

"Who is it this time?"

She's been doing this for weeks now, trying to get me to spill the beans. She wants to know their names and she's doing everything possible to get them out of me. But I've succeeded in not telling her.

"I repeat, how many times have we gone over this? You'll have to wait 6 more weeks to know their names," I say with a wide smile.

"Not even a little hint?" She pushes.

I glare at her, gotta work on my tough mommy face.

"Alright alright, I'll wait. You do have names though, right?"

"Yes Izzie, we have names. The girls are…well for the most part…named."

Her face lights up.

"Ohhh! So you need middle names?! I can help! Let me help!"

She reaches for the pile of maternity books on my bedside table and leafs through a baby name one. Derek and I would lay here for hours relaying names to one another. Most got vetoed because they simply didn't fit with the first names. I grinned to myself, they were adorable names. Maybe Izzie could help with the middle names, she was good at this stuff.

"Alright so since you won't even tell me the first names, would you if I said it?" She looks at me hopefully.

"Umm…probably not. But I think I wanna name one after Bailey. I dunno…is that a good idea? It's probably a bad idea…I mean…it's Bailey and…it's a bad idea," I ramble.

A small smile pulls at her lips as she looks over to me.

"What? Bad idea? God…I thought so."

"No no no…it's a great idea! And I'm thinking Isobel for the other one's middle name," she laughs.

I turn it over in my head and it doesn't fit with either name. Bailey doesn't really go with them either, damn.

"Iz…as endearing as that would be, it doesn't fit."

"Yes it does, Wookie Isobel. It's perfect!"

I laugh loudly at her. Soon there are tears streaming down my face as I try to regain composure.

"Alright Mer…it wasn't that funny."

"No it's just…the other one kicked when you said it."

"See! She likes it!" She says with a light laugh.

"Thanks Izzie."

She stops smiling and looks at me with a serious look on her face.

"For what? I haven't done anything."

I motion my hands between us, "This. The baby name thing. Cristina wouldn't do it. Hell, anything relating to them she totally blows off. Ya know, you would think she'd be happy for me…but she's not. It hurts. I was gonna ask her to be godmother to them…but if she's like this now, what will make her wanna be anything other than Aunt Cristina?"

I see her nod solemnly and look back down at the book.

"What about…Emery or Evangeline?"

"Both really cute," I say as I contemplate them in my head.

"They don't go either?"

I shake my head no.

"Hey Izzie…would you…I mean I know it's a big deal or whatever…and it's alright if you say no…."

"Jesus Mer…out with it! I hope the girls don't pick up the rambling. It's cute and all, but after you reach a certain age it loses appeal."

"What I'm asking is, would you wanna be godmother to the girls?"

Before I can even finish asking, she's hugging me tightly. I can't breathe, but I hug her back. I'm happy that she's so enthusiastic about this.

"Oh my God yes! Of course! I'd be honored Meredith! Oh my God godmother!" She squeals happily.

"Great!"

She looks at me expectantly.

"No Izzie you aren't getting the names," I giggle.

"Lafawnda?"

"What…what the fuck is that name?!"

"Napoleon Dynamite, seriously Mer educate yourself. Leila?"

"Hmmm…that's really pretty, but it doesn't go."

"Umm alright…Charlotte?"

"Uhh…it's….uhh…cute," I choke out. She seems to pick up on this and her jaw starts to drop slowly.

"That's one of the names! I figured out a name! I win," she starts laughing.

"Izzie please! Please don't tell anyone! Derek would kill me if he knew I told someone," I plead.

"Mer, trust me. I won't tell anyone."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Alright fine I promise. I can be Cristina for once," she says as I grin.

"Oh my God! Cristina knows their names already?!"

"Maybe?"

She looks upset now. Maybe I should tell her I was kidding.

"I can't believe you. Seriously!"

I laugh, "Calm down Izzie. I was joking around. She doesn't know the names."

"Are you sure? I'm calling her right now," she says picking up my cell phone and dialing her.

"It's Barbie, not Mer. Do you know the names for the twins? Wookies? Are you sure that's all you know? No she's not naming one of them after you, she's naming one Isobel. She is! Fine, go be hardcore," she says as she closes the phone.

"I'm sorry for freaking out. So Charlotte? It's adorable. Ohhh! We can find a middle name for her!" She says happily as she claps her hands.

"Well I was thinking Charlotte Bailey. But I dunno because it doesn't sound right in my head."

"Alright I'll look for some…"

"Lillian?"

I laugh lightly.

"Is that the other one's name?!"

"No but it was one Derek and I discussed. It got vetoed."

"Okay no Lilly…" She flips slowly through the pages.

"Hmm…Jillian?"

I grimace at that name. It's absolutely horrible.

"Uhh okay definitely not that one," Izzie laughs.

I grin at her.

"What?"

"I have it. Charlotte Frances."

"But isn't that…ohhh I get it. You're trying to get in on Mama's good side."

"No, I'm already on it. But it's cute and Derek…well it will definitely get me laid tonight," I smirk.

"Alright I'm leaving now," she says as she backs off the bed and out of the room. She pokes her head back in though, "Thanks again for trusting me with this. And for making me godmother," she says with a huge smile.

"No problem Iz," I smile back as she closes the door behind her. I lean back against the headboard and rub my stomach.

"Okay ladies listen up, Charlotte Frances you stop kicking mommy in the ribs! And you," I move my hand over the other one, "Stop kicking your sister!"

The kicking ceases and I close my eyes. Charlotte Frances. It had a nice ring to it. And she was definitely going to cause mommy lots and lots of problems. I could feel it. She's kicking my ribs now, but she'll be just like me. Hopefully not too much like me. I pray that she isn't as self destructive as I was. She can be rebellious and I'll help her dye her hair pink, but being a cutter and anorexic…oh hell no. I won't be my mother and not pay attention to them. These girls are gonna be so screwed if they mess up. They had an army to care about them and they would not get away with anything. I smiled contently as I drifted off to sleep.


End file.
